2017/09/20

OSR: 1d50 Discount Spells

The names of these spells were generated by Janelle Shane's very strange neural network. They are bargain-basement spells, the masterpieces of failed apprentices, or spells designed for one particular purpose and abandoned halfway through development. They use the Goblin Punch spell format. You can convert these spells to other systems by replacing [dice] and [sum] with integers of your choice.
1. Call to the Daring
R: [dice] miles T: area D: 1 minute
All people within the radius of the spell feel a faint tugging at their heart. If they are pure of heart, noble of purpose, and fit of body, the spell functions as a command spell and calls them to the caster's location. Since virtually nobody fits the spell's criteria (it's very picky), it usually does nothing.

2. Charm of the Cods
R: 30' T: [sum] codfish D: 10 minutes
Target codfishes are charmed and will obey simple commands. Does not work on other fish.

3. Chilled Arrow
R: touch T: arrow D: until used
An arrow you touch gains +[dice] cold damage when it is next used.

4. Claming Blow
R: touch T: weapon or target creature D: 0
Target creature struck by a weapon you enchant or by your hand is moistened and chilled. Usually, no other effect. If you invest 4 [dice] or more the effect is permanent.

5. Clinging Blade
R: 20' T: [sum] weapons D: 5 rounds
Weapons you target become slightly magnetic or sticky, and cling to anything they strike. It takes an opposed Strength test against Strength 8 + [dice] to pull a weapon free.

6. Conjure Bark
R: touch T: object D: permanent
You summon a bunch of bark. The amount summoned depends on the [dice] you invest: 1 [die]: a handful, 2 [dice]: an armful, 3 [dice]: a cartload, 4 [dice] a roomful.

7. Conjure Mare
R: 5' T: point D: [dice] rounds
You summon a glowing celestial mare. This would be really cool if the mare wasn't confused and extremely temporary. It vanishes with a puff of glitter when the spell ends. It will bite you if you try to ride it and it won't obey your commands.

8. Crusading Disk
R: touch T: point D: [sum] rounds
A glowing disc of solid force 5' in diameter appears where you point. It moves at your direction a walking pace unless heathens, unbelievers, or heretics are in view. Then, it moves as fast as galloping horse and tries to smash them. It does no damage on impact. It can be pushed with an opposed Strength test against Strength 8 + [dice].

9. Curse Clam

R: touch T: clam D: permanent
You inflict a horrible curse on a clam. For a minor curse, you must invest 2 [dice]. For a major curse, you must invest 4 [dice]. Dice used to cast this spell are automatically exhausted. You cannot dispel your own curses.

10. Cursing Wink
R: 50' T: mortal creature D: permanent
You wink at a creature. If it winks back, you inflict a horrible curse on it. For a minor curse, you must invest 2 [dice]. For a major curse, you must invest 4 [dice]. Dice used to cast this spell are automatically exhausted, even if the target does not wink back. You cannot dispel your own curses.

11. Darkworm Colt
R: 10' T: point D: [dice] hours
You summon a grey-black worm the size of a pony. It has a silver saddle on its back and way too many teeth in the front. It moves 1/2 a normal walking pace. It cannot climb walls and the teeth are too soft to do any damage. Maybe if you summoned the adult version you'd have a proper mount.

12. Date Ward
R: touch T: self D: [sum] days
You designate a date up to [sum] days in the future. You cannot die until that date. You can be hideously mangled, burned, mashed, spread across the cobbles, or torn apart, but your soul will still remain in your body (or its remains) until the date designated. On that date, you automatically fail all Saves.

13. Death of the Sun
R: touch T: self D: 0
You know the date of the next solar eclipse. If you invest 3 or more [dice], you also know approximately where the path of totality will cross Creation.

14. Divine Boom
R: [dice]x100' T: area D: 0
A thunderous boom shakes the area, as if the Authority Himself was readying a divine pronouncement. Loose objects shake, clouds roil, water ripples, etc.

15. Find Strike
R: 30' T: creature or object D: 20 mintues
You can clearly see the last place target creature or object was struck. The area glows red. If you invest 2 [dice] or more, you can tell approximately how long ago the creature or object was struck.

16. Forceful Boor
R: 10' T: creature of [dice]x2 HD or less D: [sum] minutes
Target creature's Charisma becomes 4 for the purposes of polite conversation, diplomacy, or storytelling. Target's confidence massively increases. Save to negate.

17. Forceful Force
R: [dice]x10' T: creature or object D: concentration
Target is struck by a blow of invisible force and pushed away from the caster. As long as the caster maintains concentration, the force persists. Moving directly towards the caster requires an opposed Strength test. The effective Strength of the force depends on the dice invested. 1 [die]: 10, 2 [dice]: 14, 3 [dice]: 18, 4 [dice] 20. The caster is required to yell, grunt, and wave their arms for the spell to work.

18. Frames of Death
R: touch T: point D: [sum] minutes
An empty picture frame [dice]' long by [dice]' wide appears in your hand. Any mortal creature who passes through the frame must Save or be convinced they have died. They are utterly certain they are a zombie, a ghost, an embodied undead, or something stranger. No evidence can convince them otherwise. Passing through the frame a second time negates the effect. The effect also ends when the spell's duration expires.

19. Gate Sail
R: line of sight T: [sum] doors or gates D: 0
You designate up to [sum] doors or gates that you can clearly see without moving from your current position. You can turn your head but you cannot lift your feet. You then fly from door to door, in the order you designated, passing through each one in turn along the shortest possible route. You move at the speed of a galloping horse. Unlocked doors will be flung open. If you encounter a locked door, you slam into it instead and the spell ends.

20. Grasping Light

R: 50' T: point D: [sum] minutes
A feeble, flopping, utterly useless jellyfish-like light appears. It moves at 5' per round in a random direction. It cannot fly. If it touches a living creature it becomes stuck to it. It is impossible to remove until the spell ends. The light is as bright as a candle.

21. Greater Flick
R: 100' T: creature or object D: 0
Target creature or object is knocked [dice]x10' away from the caster, as if flicked by an invisible finger. It takes [dice] damage.

22. Healing of Bat
R: touch T: bat D: 0
Target bat is healed for [sum] HP.

23. Icon of Thorns
R: touch T: self D: [dice] hours
An icon of twisted vines and barbed thorns appears in your hand. You can part underbrush or shrubs with a wave of your hand, and move freely through a dense forest. Trees won't move, but most smaller plants will.

24. Mister of Light
R: touch T: self D: [sum] minutes
A small bottle with a rubber bulb appears in your hand. By squeezing the bulb, you can spray a fine mist of light into the air. The light behaves like water. A single puff is as bright as a candle; furious puffing makes the light as bright as a torch.

25. Mordenkainen’s Lucubrabibiboricic Angion
R: a brace of dist-sticks, T: ensoulified organelle, D: [cubit] nega-deci-days
The recipitor of this bewizardment must Repulse or versifculate and wordiflect in a promulgatory yet quizingly learn-prehensile way for the logitimunalness of the bewizardment.

26. Plant of Peace
R: touch T: plant D: [sum] minutes
Target plant must Save with a -2x[dice] penalty or be calmed by your spell. This spell also affects dryads, treants, etc.

27. Primal Prayer Bear
R: 10' T: point D: [sum] rounds
You culturally appropriate a tribal spirit. Stats as a giant glowing blue bear, except that it cannot take damage. It will try and kill you if it can, but it will also kill anyone nearby, or in its way, or anyone who tries to harm it. If you invest 3 [dice] or more the bear can fly. If you invest 4 [dice] or more the bear can cast 1 appropriate spell per round and also attack.

28. Primal Rear

R: touch T: self (own buttocks) D: [sum] hours, if [sum] > 12, permanent.
Your rear and hips reform in ancient proportions of fertility. These might not meet the local standards of beauty, but it does make sitting down very comfortable. You could also use this spell to escape constricting trousers or a snake that is trying to eat you.

29. Remorse?
R: 50' T: person D: 0
Target must Save or remember some shameful deed they have committed. They are stunned for at least 1 round, but if the deed was particularly awful, they could be stunned for more or take a morale check. If they pass their Save, they can choose to embrace the deed instead, and gain +1d6 HP. If you invest 3 [dice] or more, you know what the target regrets if they fail their Save.

30. Soul of the Bill
R: touch T: invoice or bill D: 5 minutes
You draw the soul or essence of an invoice, bill, or receipt from the document and into the air. It looks like a tiny blue slip of paper. By evaluating the colour and texture, you can see if the person who gave you the bill is honest or dishonest, fair or unfair, and truthful or untruthful. If you invest 4 [dice], you can transfer the soul of the bill to any other bill, invoice, or receipt, forcing that person to pay your debts.

31. Spirit Boating
R: 20' T: water or other liquid D: [sum] minutes
You summon a small glowing green boat with eerie tattered sail. The boat can hold 5 people but it is completely incorporeal. If you step in it you'll just fall through, unless you are also incorporeal. Ghosts can use it just fine.

32. Star Warper
R: 50' T: object no larger than an apple D:0
A botched attempt at a teleport spell. Target must Save or be sucked into the upper air, far above the clouds. It will fall down in 1d10 hours, burnt to a crisp, d100 miles from its original position. There is a 1-in-6 chance the portal will remain open for a few extra seconds and suck all the air out of the room. This isn't fatal, but it is noisy and very inconvenient.

33. Stone of Death
R: touch T: self D: [sum] minutes
A grey stone skull the size of a walnut appears in your hand. If anyone voluntarily accepts the stone from you into their outstretched hand, they die. No Save. The stone will try and prevent this by any or all of the following methods:
1. Shouting "I am the Stone of Death. If you touch me you will die!" and other similar statements. The stone speaks all languages and can make animal alarm cries. It will contradict the caster's lies.
2. Shaking violently, glowing an ominous red colour, pulsing, hissing, or twitching.
3. Emitting a noxious smell or a bone-chilling gust of air.
4. Any other amusing method the GM decides the stone can perform. It cannot fly, move significantly, or transform.

34. Summon Ass
R: 20' T: point D: [dice] hours
You summon a donkey. It's a perfectly ordinary donkey, and therefore, it's very difficult to steer, ride, or convince. Easily bribed; impossible to bully.

35. Tunesrite
R: touch T: [dice] musical instruments D: 0
You tune target instruments. This spell cannot repair major defects or missing components, but it will bring the instrument into tune instantly.

36. Wall of Distraction
R: 20' T: wall or sphere D: 10 minutes
You conjure either (a) a hemisphere [dice]x5’ in diameter, or (b) a 10' by 10' panel per [dice], which can be arranged in any contiguous formation joined by their edges. The wall is intangible. Any sighted creature, including the caster, who sees the wall must Save each round or be stunned. The wall shows a wonderfully distracting scene, customized to each viewer.

37. War Cape
R: touch T: self D: [sum] minutes
You summon a scarlet cape with a gold trim. Any person wearing the came firmly believes they are a great warrior, leader, and tactician. They aren't, but you really believe they are. The effect ends if the wearer takes damage.

38. Ward of Snade the Pood Beast
R: [dice]x10' radius T: point D: [sum] hours
Snade the Pood Beast cannot enter or leave the are of this spell. Regular Pood Beasts can pass the ward without any issues, but to Snade, it appears as a transparent barrier. Since no one is sure what a Pood Beast is, this spell is considered a curiosity at best and a liability at worst.

39. Summon Storm Bear
R: 20' T: point D: [sum] rounds
You summon a [dice] HD giant bear with blue-white fur. Its attacks deal lighting damage. It won't obey you, but it doesn't really care about you either. It's not hostile and won't attack anyone unless provoked. Morale 6. Wants to eat cloudberries.

40. Storm of the Gifling
R: self T: [dice]x2' cone D: [sum] rounds
The Giflings were a mighty warrior race. Their empire lasted a thousand years. All their enemies were brought to kneel before the Basalt Throne of the Gifling Lords. Their armies ranged over countless square feet, for the Giflings were only a sixteenth of an inch high. This was one of their most devastating spells. It summons a light breeze. If you invest 4 [dice] or more, the breeze is also slightly cold.

The Song Spells
Magic songs have a long tradition. Most sensible wizards don't bother; the spells take too long to cast and usually require a silly dance or set of gestures. Even among an unpopular class of spells, these 5 stand out as exceptionally useless.

41. Song of Blord
R: touch T: self D: [sum] rounds
You sing a song of the life of Blord, a noble warrior, wise judge, fine craftsman, and extraordinary lover. The entire song is banal praise and empty flattery. If Blord is present, he is healed for [sum] HP and gains +1 to all Stats for the duration of the spell. Blord has been dead for 300 years.

42. Song of Distraction
R: touch T: self D: [sum] rounds
Each round, everyone within 100' of the caster must Save vs Wisdom to remember what they were doing. If the action is obvious (fighting the guy who is trying to claw your throat out), no Save is required. The caster must also Save or forget they are singing the spell-song. They can't cast other spells, but they will have no idea why, or what is going on, or where they are.

43. Song of the Ball
R: touch/50' T: person D: [sum] rounds
The designated target of this spell must Save or begin dancing with the caster. The dance resembles a waltz. Each round, the caster and the target must either move towards each other or 10' in a random direction. Normal melee attacks can be performed during the dance, but require a Save vs Dexterity in addition to a successful attack roll (as they need to be graceful and integrated into the waltz.) The caster sings an accompaniment for the duration of the spell.

44. Song of the Door
R: 10' T: door D: [sum] rounds
You sing a plaintive song to the door, trying to convince it to spring open for you. The song involves lots of wailing and shouting and pleading. The door must Save with a -2x[dice] penalty. The default Save value for a door is 18, but some doors are particularly sympathetic and emotional, and might have a lower value.

45. Song of the Unworthy
R: touch T: self D: [sum] rounds
While you are singing this spell-song, creatures who can hear must Save to attack you. If they fail, they will not attack you for the spell's duration. They find you utterly disgusting, completely worthless, inedible, pathetic, or a dishonorable target. The song lists your many faults and weaknesses, shameful acts (real or invented), diseases, injuries, and general hopeless failures. You are also required to roll around on the ground.

The Dave Spells
Dave was once a wizard's apprentice. The wizard in question accidentally inflicted a summoning spell of extraordinary power on his hapless apprentice, and though the wizard is long dead, Dave lives on, immortal, invulnerable, and extremely confused. He is perpetually being dragged from his pocket dimension (a tiny stone cottage buried deep underground) into combat, danger, dismemberment, and extremely awkward situations. Dave looks like a bedraggled teenage human with brown hair and a dull brown robe.

46. Charm of the Dave
R: 20' T: creature D: [sum] rounds
Dave appears and, at your command, tries to charm, placate, or seduce the target. He's absolutely terrible at it. He's awkward, under-dressed, inexperienced, and extremely tired. Likely as not he'll give up halfway through, shrug, and stand back. If you invest 3 [dice] or more, Dave's efforts are accompanied by awkward and out-of-tune flute music.

47. Chorus of the Dave

R: 20' T: point D: [sum] rounds
Dave appears and sings a song of your choice. He finds this very demeaning. He also can't sing. He knows the words to all songs in all languages but he can't pronounce most of them. If you invest 3 [dice] or more, Dave's singing is accompanied by a magical kazoo.

48. Hail to the Dave
R: 20' T: point D [sum] rounds
Dave appears in a puff of smoke. He tries his best to look impressive and regal. He struts around, swishing his robes, turning up his nose at things, and awkwardly finding faults. If you invest 3 [dice] or more, Dave's preening is accompanied by a lone and faltering trumpet.

49. Storm of the Dave
R: 20' T: point D: [sum] rounds
Dave appears and immediately starts running around and knocking things over. He's not very strong, but he will tip desks, throw papers, grab things out of your hands and throw them away, and generally cause a ruckus. He gets winded after 5 rounds and needs to take a 1-round break. If you invest 3 [dice] or more, Dave's frantic efforts are accompanied by a squeaky violin (like Flight of the Bumblebee, but played by an utter amateur).

50. Daving Fire
R: 20' T: object D: [sum] rounds
Dave appears with a lit taper. Dave will try to light the object you have targeted on fire using the taper. He's not very persistent and will give up after 5 rounds. If the object is obviously dangerous (a giant pool of solvent, a petroleum troll, etc.), Dave will hesitate for 1 round, then chuck the taper and run as fast as he can towards the caster while screaming. Dave can also light candles, torches, etc. If you invest 3 [dice] or more, Dave's procession is accompanied by a wheezing harmonica.


EDIT

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14 comments:

  1. It's quite liberating to realize once one has levelless spells that it is unnecessary to balance. Not all spells need be created equal. Great list. Thanks also for the 1d100 orthodox list.

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    1. Balance is overrated anyway. :D

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  2. These will make great scrolls, thanks!

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  3. This is fantastic. I love the Daves. I love everything about this.

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    1. Thanks! It was fun to write. Have you considered running all the D&D bestiaries through your neural network to see what sort of things it generates? Names, or possibly names + old school stat blocks could lead to all sorts of weird stuff.

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  4. Some of these seem oddly useful. If Conjure Bark can produce birch bark, it becomes a good spell.

    (Crusading disc (8) seems to have a rogue "the" at the end)

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    1. I think "oddly" is the operative word.

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  5. Hurrah for these! I was hoping to find that someone had written up descriptions of them.

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  6. This is hilarious start to finish. I especially love Mordenkainen’s Lucubrabibiboricic Angion.

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    1. Most profounditudinal merit-beams in your directionness.

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  7. These are amazing. Did you know your description for "Song of the Door" fits with an genre of Greek and Roman love elegy, the "paraklausithyron," where a lover who has been locked out sings to a locked door, begging it to open? Anyway, these are all wonderful!

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    1. I did know that (in a vague way). I've got Ovid and Propertius squirreled away in the braincase somewhere.

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  8. Ah if only I had magic dice to pour into Primal Rear

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  9. I was reduced to laugh-crying on about every other spell description. This is amazing. Thank you!

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