2018/03/26

OSR: Monster Manuel's 1d50 Discount Monsters

"Manuel, what is this?"
           "Theees ees a dragon, senor."
"No it's not. It's a lizard. You've tied those wings on with string."
           "No, ees dragon. Eees just... small dragon. Soon eees big dragon, set senor's henemies on fire with heees breeething."
"What about this?"
           "Eees a fhearsome grhiffon."
"It's just a housecat with a beak glued on."
           "Eeesss... eees molting."
"Revolting, more like."
           "No, eees a good ghriffon. Ees purrhing."
"That's because it's a cat. And what's this?"
           "Is ghelatanous cube."
"It's got fruit in it."
           "Maybe it eeets the froot?"
"Manuel, do you have any actual monsters for sale?"
           "Oh si senor."
The late Andrew Sachs as Manuel from Fawlty Towers

1d50 Discount Monsters

(I am a vhery good Gee Hem. I learned it from a book!)

Key
#d# : # of dice with # of sides (e.g. d6 is a six-sided dice, 2d10 is 2 ten-sided dice added together)

HD: Hit Dice. These are d8s. Roll them and add the numbers together to get the creature's total HP (hit points).
Appearance: What it looks like.
Wants: What it wants.
Armor: None, leather, chain, plate, or plate+shield, in order from worst to best.
Move: Compared to a normal human.
Morale: Roll 2d6 and try to get under Morale or the creature flees.
Damage: How much HP damage it does on a successful hit.

Number Appearing: How many show up or appear in a herd.

Monster names taken from Janelle Shane's neural network.


1. Animal, Dome
HD: 1
Appearance: furry turtle
Wants: lettuce
Armor: as plate+shield
Move: 1/4 normal
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d4 bite

Number Appearing: 2d6
Dome Animals roam the steppes. They resemble miniature yaks trapped under a furry soup bowl. They are very hard to tip or crack. Delicious if boiled, but people tend to trip over them. 

2. Barber
HD: 1
Appearance:  human in a white apron. Long black moustache, bald head.
Wants: to shave all men who do not shave themselves. Will shave not-men for reasonable rates.
Armor: none
Move: normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 slashing
Number Appearing: 1d4x2
Thanks to a loophole, only another Barber can shave a Barber. They travel in pairs.

3. Beeple, Desert
HD: 6
Appearance: an emaciated camel with a long pointed snout
Wants: delicious beetles, water, attractive lady- or gentlemen- beeples
Armor: as leather
Move: 3x normal
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d8 piercing/1d6 kicking
Number Appearing: 1
Roaming the desert, Beeples plunge their heads into the sand to search for buried beetles. Their snout filters out sand and dust. They are cautious creatures, eager to run away on their huge gangly legs.

4. Big Dragon
           "Oh senor, is a vhery beeeeg dragon. Eeess henormous."
"Can I see it?"
           "No, eees sleeeping in hees tent."
"That tent over there?"
           "Si, senor."
"The one with smoke coming out of it?"
           "Si, senor. Hees firery breaths."
"The one marked "Canteen"? The one with a stovepipe coming out the top?"
           "Eees a disghuise, senor. Eees... hincognito."
"Nice try, Manuel."

5. Brain, Fire
HD: 8
Appearance: a flying brain hovering on 4 blue-white jets of fire
Wants: to devour the mental energy of intelligent creatures
Armor: none
Move: 2x normal
Morale: 12
Damage: 2d6 psychic blast/2d6 fire/2d6 fire
Number Appearing: 1
The dreaded Fire Brain seems to be a less stealthy variant of the Intellect Devourer. It flies around setting things on fire and eating minds. You can usually hear it coming, but finding a place to hide is difficult.

6. Burglestar
HD: 0 (2 HP)
Appearance: a starfish with five limbs, each ending in a branching bone-like tree
Wants: to open locks, eat sea urchins
Armour: none
Move: 1/8th normal
Morale: 12
Damage: 0
Number Appearing: 1
The Burglestar evolved to pick the locks of sunken treasure chests. No one is sure why. Perhaps it's one of the Creator's little jokes, like the platypus and male-pattern baldness. It can pick any lock submerged in sea water.

7. Cat, Stone
"It's not moving, Manuel"
           "Eeet will move soon, senor. Eees just resting."
"It's not moving because it's a statue."
           "No, ees a fhearsome ghargoyal. Eees just prethending to be a sthatue."
"It says 'Made in Sigil' on the side, look!"
           "Ees very good at prethending."

8. Cloud of Chaos
HD: 5
Appearance: a 30' wide cloud of pink-purple-green sparkles
Wants: to adjust everything. May not actually want anything.
Armor: as plate
Move: 1/2 normal
Morale: 12
Damage: see below.
Number Appearing: 1
The Cloud of Chaos attacks every creature inside it. If it hits, it shifts all numerical values on a PC's character sheet (stats, number of inventory items, age, etc) one slot to the left. If a PC has over 20 in any stat, they explode.

9. Dog, Goblin
HD: 2
Appearance: a hairless misshapen dog. Too many teeth. No two legs are the same length. Tufts of bristles and patches of warts. Drool and big goggle eyes.
Wants: to lick things, smell things, chew on things, obey masters
Armour: as leather
Move: normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 biting
Number Appearing: 2d10
Goblin Dogs, like goblins, are misshapen toothy creatures. Slobbery and excitable. Not really vicious, but very hungry. The goblins have figured out how to make them to attack. They have yet to figure out how to make them attack the enemy. 

10. Dragon, Curple Lard
Curple Lard is the fattest dragon
Fattest one in all the land
Ate a village
Ate a tower
Ate the baron's marching band. 
Curple Lard is the greenest dragon
Greenest one you'll ever see
Ate a bishop
Ate a windmill
And I hope he won't eat me.

11. Dragon, Dead
"Manuel..."
           "Si, senor?"
"Manuel, it's dead."
           "No, ees a zhombie dragon. Onlee, the cleric turned undead, so eees very sad. Eees taking break from undeading."

12. Dragon, Purple Fang
HD: 4
Appearance: a whip-thin dragon with a crocodile head and two huge purple fangs. Little tiny bat wings; flies anyway.
Wants: to bite people, hoard panic.
Armor: as plate+shield.
Move: 2x normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 0, or 1d6 claw if really annoyed.
Number Appearing: 1d6
Purple Fang Dragons bites have a peculiar effect. Their venom makes people think they are dying from flesh-corroding poison. Victims scream, twitch, roll around, lop off limbs, drink potions, and attempt to avert their (perceived) impending death. Purple Fang Dragons hoard panic and like to watch. They also hoard hourglasses, official documents, and wigs.

13. Durp Snake
HD: 1
Appearance: a pale green snake with a perpetually worried expression
Wants: to live a long and happy life
Armor: as leather
Move: normal
Morale: 4
Damage: 10d6 poison damage
Number Appearing: 2d6
The most peaceful of all snakes, for a very good reason. They lie in forest groves with their mouths open, hoping birds or insects land inside to bite their red wiggly tongues. The Durp Snake cannot attack, for if it does, it inevitably bites itself and dies. It's tragic. If provoked, it will forget, try to strike you, bite itself in the middle, and die in agony. The venom would be worth a fortune but harvesting it is impossible without provoking the Durp Snake.

14. Dwarf, Giant
           "Eees a Dwarf. Say something dwarfish."
                      "Hullo laddie."
"Manuel, that's just a man with a beard. A perfectly normal man."
           "Noo, eeees a famous Gihant Dwarf. See, has an axe. Bheard. Hackccent. Likes ghold. Likes hale and dreenking."
"Manuel, I like ale and gold. Anyone can grow a beard."
           "Whomen canno grow a bheard, senor!"
"Well, yes, but that's not the point, and that's not a dwarf!"

15. Fish, Astro-
HD: 1
Appearance: silvery-blue fish with very hard scales.
Wants: no one knows. Fish things, presumably.
Armor: as chain
Move: 2x normal in water
Morale: 5
Damage: 2d8 on impact, 1d4 biting
Number Appearing: showers of 3d100
Beyond the crystal spheres that contain the planets and stars there is a great deal of water. The holy books are fairly certain on this point. They don't mention fish, but when it rains fishes they have to come from somewhere, right? Astro-fishes strike the earth from time to time in meteoric swarms. They rarely live long (our water is too warm), but they are quite valuable. 

16. Fish, Sun of
HD: 4
Appearance: a radiating sun of herrings. Tails in, gawping mouths out. 
Wants: to shine benevolently
Armor: as chain
Move: 1x normal (floating)
Morale: 8
Damage: none
Number Appearing: 1
Rats have kings, owls have parliaments. Herring, it seems, have suns. Suns of Fish float peacefully over the ocean, casting a lovely silver light onto the waters below. No one knows why. They are harmless, beautiful, and delicious. Occasionally boats mistake them for a lighthouse or the moon and get lost.

17. Fraithwarp, Giant
HD: 8
Appearance: a giant fraithwarp. Fraithwarps are a kind of wading bird, I think.
Wants: to pick people up, turn them upside-down, and shake them to see what falls out.
Armor: as chain.
Move: 2x normal (flying)
Morale: 7
Damage: 1d6 from the shaking, 2d6 if it stomps on you or bites your head.
Number Appearing: 1d6
They roam the shoreline, picking up people and shaking them. They swallow anything shiny. Their guts must be full of treasure.

18. Giant, Dunebat
HD: 4
Appearance: a giant khaki bat with a huge scoop mouth
Wants: to eat delicious beetles, ostrich eggs, young camels, small children
Armor: as leather
Move: 3x normal, or 5x normal if diving
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 bludgeoning on a miss, 1d6 per round if swallowed
Number Appearing: 1
The solitary Dunebat Giants (as opposed to the Giant Dunebats, a similar though not identical species distinguished, according to scholars, by a small black dot behind the eye and a slightly higher pitched screech), dive from great heights and swallow sand, searching for a meal. Their eerie whine, followed by a loud thump and a huge spray of sand, is a nightly occurrence. 

19. Golem, Rain
HD: 1
Appearance: a human figure made of rain. Drops appear where the figure's outline starts and vanish where it ends. Like a hole cut in a sheet, but in reverse. Leaves soggy footprints.
Armour: none
Move: normal
Morale: 12
Damage: 0. Can drown an unconscious creature with 10 rounds of constant effort.
Number Appearing: 1
A bit of summoned storm. Cannot lift anything or deal any damage. Mostly useless, but good at putting out small fires, frightening the credulous, and watering the garden.

20. Hatfright
HD: 4
Appearance: a wonderful and expensive wizard's hat. Red silk, a tassel, sequins around the brim, a stars, and gold frogging (made from real gold frogs).
Armour: as leather
Move: 1/2 normal (hopping).
Morale: 12
Damage: 1d6 per round biting. Difficult to remove once it bites.
A variety of mimic. The hat appears normal (and possibly even magical) until someone puts it on. The Hatfright then screams, shines blue light everywhere, and tries to eat the unfortunate victim's head. It usually succeeds. Dried hatfright larvae make excellent appetizers for fancy wizard parties.

21. Horse (Spider, Brain)
HD: 2
Appearance: a giant brain with hairy eight spider legs... and a saddle.
Armour: none
Move: 2x normal on all surfaces (even upside-down)
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d6 piercing 
Who in their right mind would sit on this so-called horse? You can feel it thinking. It invades your thoughts, your dreams. You need to call it out of your nightmares in the first place to ride it; small wonder it lurks there when not required. 

22. Hound, Plant
HD: 2
Appearance: a wolf made of vines with a venus flytrap head
Wants: to eat rabbits, mice, small children. To digest happily in the sun.
Armor: none.
Move: 1/2 normal.
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 biting, swallows target on a 3 or more. 1d6 acid each round to swallowed targets.
Number Appearing: 2d6
They urch out of the woods, pink mouths open and sticky. They can't chase you down, but they can corner you. They aren't quick but they are very, very good at blocking escape routes. 

23. Human, Crystal
           "Ees a human made of cryhstal. So mysterihous."
"It's a person covered in bits of mirror and chalk."
           "No, eees cryhstal man from crhystal world, where everything is chryhstal and shine."
"It's definitely a person. In fact... is that your brother?"
                      "Hallo senor, I am chertainly a crhystal man."
"Oh shut up."

24. Jabberwont
HD: 4
Appearance: a blue rabbit with elk horns, fangs, and a snake's tail
Wants: riddles
Armor: as plate
Move: 1x normal
Morale: 12
Damage: 2d6 lightning from its horns. Will not attack unless cornered.
Number Appearing: 1
The Jabberwont sits on a stump in the woods and asks for riddles. It promises rewards (it lies).Tell it a riddle and it laughs and laughs. Once you run out of riddles or patience it runs away. 1 day later, you'll retch and cough up a Jabberwont egg for each riddle you told. The eggs hatch quickly. 

25. Kick Spirit
HD: 2
Appearance: a ghost with a malicious grin. Only visible when it wants to be visible.
Wants: to kick people in the backside
Armour: none (but it is a ghost)
Move: 2x normal, can pass through solid objects
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d4 from being kicked in the pants
Number Appearing: 1
A jerk-ass ghost. Created when a real jerk dies and people say too many nice things at the funeral. Rises up and starts kicking people in the pants. Inconvenient. While you're trying to get on a horse. While you're getting out of bed. Loves tipping people over or causing a scene. Will punt a baby with glee. If you piss it off it will follow you around, kicking you and your friends until you deal with it or it gets bored.

26. Lycanthrope, Wereladoo
HD: 2
Appearance: most of the time, a normal person. By the light of the moon, a dreaded Ladoo. The Ladoo is so fucking weird that it cannot be described, sketched, or photographed.
Wants: in Ladoo form, to bite people and stack delicate pottery into pyramids.
Armor: as chain.
Move: 2x normal (bounding)
Morale: 12
Damage: 1d6 (suckers), 1d6 (claws), 1d8 (eye beams). Maybe. 
Number Appearing: 1
People have fought the Ladoo and lived to tell the tale, but nobody can describe it. It's a weird creature. People who think about it too much become Wereladoos.

27. Man-Can
HD: 2
Appearance: a cylinder of metal with holes for arms and legs to pop out and a narrow vision slit.
Wants: to live in peace, roll down soft hills, acquire gold.
Armor: as plate
Move: normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 punching
Number Appearing: 10x1d10
Some believe the Man-Cans are a type of hermit crab. Some believe they are mad knights from a distant nation. Their young are born in cans (in fact, they need air-holes punched with specialized tools). No one knows if they are human-shaped inside or, worryingly, can-shaped. They reportedly taste of smoked salted pork. 

28. Marraganralleraith
                      "Eesss a.... eeess a marrhaganrallre... no, ees a marragahrallerainther..."
"Manuel?"
                      "Si?"
"Shut up."

29. Memeball
HD: 4 (chan)
Appearance: cat
Armour: as chain (letter)
Move: it move it. You like to move it move it. We like to move it move. 
Morale: the memeball has no morales because it is Chaotic Evil
Damage: 1d6 directly to the soul, 3d6 lazor, etc.
Number Appearing: 100 - 1 for every meme the players can list in under a minute and I'm very sorry about this.
Deployed via a series of tubes. 

30. Mommy, Greater
Your momma so fat her HD is expressed in scientific notation (as 1x10^n).
Your momma so ugly she turns Medusas into stone.
Your momma so dense she reduces all incoming damage by 4.
Your momma so round that she doesn't move. She orbits at normal speed.
Your momma so mean if a fly bites her she bites it back (dealing 1d6 damage).
Your momma so big that only 1 of her can appear at any given time, but it's a capital 1.

31. Ogre, Space
HD: 6
Appearance: huge muscled humanoid in a burnt white suit with a cracked bowl-like helmet
Wants: to collect samples, go back into space
Armor: as leather
Move: normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 bludgeoning (with a sample collection trowel).
Number Appearing: 1d6
There must be a civilization of ogres up there somewhere. Maybe they live on the moon? Anyway, some of them occasionally crash into the Earth, try to scoop earth people and earth dirt into strange not-silk bags, and wander around aimlessly. If you find one, try not to be near it on a moonless night or a strange silver disk might appear and carry it away, into the upper air or beyond.

32. Owlborn
HD: 2
Appearance: human body, owl head, little tufts of feathers
Wants: to eat raw meat, get silver, form conspiracies
Armor: none
Move: normal (flight)
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d6 claw/1d6 claw
Number Appearing: 10x1d10
Like dragonborn, but for hieracosphinxes or possible owlbears. They eat live marmots and hoot noisily at people from treetops. They aren't very bright but they love to conspire. They have a false reputation for great and solemn wisdom. 

33. Pat, Great, Space
The Great Space Pat lives on the moon
With a bucket full of weasels and a wicker-work broom
She has a cornbread hat and one green shoe
And she never never never goes to bed.  
Oh the Great Space Pat is a mighty foe
With her gravy sword and her singing toe
And her house of meat and her silver hoe
And she never ever ever goes to bed.  
Yes the Great Space Pat is widely feared
With her flashing eyes and her red false beard
And her sharpened teeth and her kid-snipping shears...
And she never ever ever never never ever ever goes to bed.

34. Pigaloth
HD: 8
Appearance: an enormous pig. Lives in the water. Small trees grow on its back.
Wants: food
Armor: as plate. Reduces all incoming damage by 6.
Move: 1/2 normal
Morale: 12
Damage: 2d6 biting or trampling
Number Appearing: 1
The Pigaloth is nearly impossible to kill. It lives in swamps, eating crocodiles and fish and fishermen indiscriminately. Some swamp-dwellers worship it as a god. Its manure fertilizes an entire ecosystem.  

35. Purple Bird
"Manuel. It's a chicken. You've painted it with purple paint."
           "Oh senor, no, eees a famous and vhaluable phurple bird!"
"The paint is still wet."
           "Eeet has a lhustrous coat."
"It's dripping."
           "Dripphang with value, senor."

36. Serpent Shark
HD: 5
Appearance: A snake with fins and a zipper of teeth halfway down both sides.
Wants: to eat things
Armor: as chain
Move: 2x normal in water
Morale: 10
Damage: 1d6 biting. On a 6, does an additional 1d6 damage, etc.
Number Appearing: 1d10
Serpent Sharks unzip down the middle and wrap around a creature, tightening and sawing. Like a snake if the mouth went aaaaall the way back and was full of serrated sawblade teeth. Snips off limbs and swims away with them. Small ones go for fingers and toes.

37. Shadowstaffer
HD: 1
Appearance: a black shadow, an ethereal nightmare humanoid
Wants: to file, sort, collate, staple, copy, transcribe, and fetch hot drinks
Armor: none (but it is a ghost)
Move: normal
Morale: 12 (drops 1 point per hour if unpaid)
Damage: 0
Number Appearing: 1
Summoned by a wizard's spell to do paperwork. Consumes one silver piece per hour. If unpaid, slowly fades. Diligent but not brilliant. Wizard universities have vast halls full of summoned shadowstaffers.

38. Slug, Spectral
           "Eeees a ghost slug."
"It's an empty jar."
           "With a ghost slug hinside, senor."
"Manuel, I hesitate to ask, but how can you tell?"
           "Weeeell, ees hinvisible, so the slug must be in there."
"Because you can't see it, right?"
           "Si, senor."
"Brilliant, Manuel."

39. Spectral Woof Greepy
HD: 0 (2 HP)
Appearance: a floating tongue. You know how the Cheshire Cat fades to leave just a grin? The Spectral Woof Greepy fades to leave just a tongue.
Wants: scritches, steak
Armor: none (as a ghost)
Move: normal
Morale: 12
Damage: 0
Number Appearing: 1
The ghost of a dog named Greepy. Haunts a village graveyard. Woofs softly at people, drips ectoplasmic goop on their socks. Wants belly rubs; has no belly. Only the tongue and the bark are left.

40. Undead Lake Man, Fire
HD: 12
Appearance: RUN! What are you doing?! A corpse in full armour walked out of the lake and burst into flames and he's coming for the village! Flee! Fleee for your liiiiiives!
Wants: He's at the gates! He's come for us!
Armor: Our arrows do nothing!
Move: Relentless, implacable, unstoppable!
Morale: Knows no pain, remorse, or fear. 
Damage: Each stroke of his iron sword is a killing blow. To attack him you must brave the column of flame roaring around his body.
Number Appearing: 1. Thankfully, blessedly, there is only 1.
Or is there?

41. Unicorn, Bat
HD: 1
Appearance: a white bat with soft iridescent wings and a glowing horn the size of a nail
Wants: to flit mysteriously through the moonlit wood 
Armor: as leather
Move: 2x normal (flying) 
Morale: 12
Damage: 1d6 magic (rainbow horn-beam). Can also curse you and make all your teeth fall out.
Number Appearing: 1
Regular unicorns can only be tamed by virgins. Bat Unicorns can only be tamed by cheesemongers. No one knows why. 

42. Unicorn, Black Willow
HD: 12
Appearance: a twisted black tree with long hanging silver tendrils. In its crown, a silver horn.
Wants: to shelter virtuous people
Armour: as plate+chain. It's a tree.
Move: it's a tree.
Morale: it's a tree.
Damage: 0. Can curse you to wander forever.
Number Appearing: 1
The Black Willow Unicorn shelters virtuous souls. No one under its leaves can die, even if sorely wounded. Lost knights, princesses, and woodsmen form a little group of mortally wounded residents.

43. Unicorn, Fumble
HD: 2
Appearance: a hoser with bubber lags & a honr
Wants: parnce a round merilee
Armor: lather
Move: x2 nermal
Morale: dozen
Damage: 6d1 blugdoning
Number Appearing: !
Birds smack into trees. Deer leap gracefully into bushes. When the Fumble Unicorn comes to town everyone tries to stay very still until it leaves. Everything about the Fumble Unicorn, and everything around it, goes wrong. All attacks are automatically critical failures. It likes to wander into the middle of fights.

44. Vampire Bear
HD: 6
Appearance: an emaciated bear with patchy grey fur, red eyes, and huge fangs
Wants: to drain the blood of the living. Needs a lot of blood. 
Armor: as plate
Move: 2x normal, fly 2x normal
Morale: 12 
Damage: 1d6 claw (drains 2 levels), 1d6 bite. Targets bitten and killed will rise as vampires at sunset.
Number Appearing: 1 (plus 1d6 vampire horses, 1d6 vampire squirrels, and 1d6 vampire humans)
Has all the usual vampire spell-like abilities, except it turns into a really big ugly-looking bat or wolf on steroids. Needs to sleep in its cave during the day.

45. Vampire, Putter
HD: 1
Appearance: a perfectly normal golf club
Wants: to drain the blood of the living
Armor: as plate
Move: 1/2x normal (hopping), normal (flying)
Morale: 12
Damage: 1d6 bite (from the handle). Targets bitten and killed will rise as vampires at sunset.
Number Appearing: 1
The dreaded Club of the Night (not a Night Club, those are different). A cursed, forsaken sports implement. Some say it was forged from a silver cross and bound in vampire leather. Some say it's a myth meant to keep those darn teenagers away from my golf clubs. Who can say? I can. It's real. And stay away from my golf clubs,  you hear?

46. Walfablang
HD: 3
Appearance: head of a snake, legs of a sheep, body of a leopard, neck of a horse, eyes of a chameleon, teeth of a person, fingers and toes of an ape, tail of a lion, and the neuroses of a novelist. 
Wants: to bite people
Armor: as leather
Move: normal
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d6 biting. Parts bitten by the Walfablang change to parts of a different creature (roll randomly). If it bites your hand, you might get a wolf's paw, a horse's leg, etc.
Number Appearing: 1
Some say a wizard did it. They are probably right.

47. Wendless Woll
HD: 2
Appearance: a twisting snake of smoke and oil, long forgotten, lost in toil
Wants: sliding smoothly through the soil
Armor: cutting, curling in a coil
Move: shimmer-speed, an arching arrow
Morale: wounding widows, melting marrow
Damage: a killing kiss, a barren barrow
Number Appearing: mark your mantle, ward your wall
creeping closer, Wendless Woll. 

48. Will O’Dragon
HD: 4
Appearance: a ball of mist and lightning, crackling softly like a dying fire.
Wants: to touch metal things, particularly iron and silver.
Armor: none
Move: 1/2x normal (flying)
Morale: 4
Damage: 1d6 lightning, drains 1 level on a hit.
Number Appearing: 1
The king of the will-o'-the-wisps. Flies like a rising moon over the swamps, draining life from frogs, rats, and unfortunate travelers. 

49. Wolf, Chromatic
"Again, it's just dog, Manuel. A dog in a silly rainbow costume."
           "Eees a vicious wolf, senor. Look at ees fhangs."
"Look at his mange, Manuel. And his collar. He's named 'Wuffles' and he's probably fifteen years old if he's a day."

50. Wolfworm
HD: 3
Appearance: a long dog with tiny legs, large claws, and a face like a wedge full teeth. No eyes, huge snout, folded ears.
Wants: to eat moles, voles, rats, sheep, and people if it can get them.
Armor: as leather
Move: normal (on surface or burrowing)
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d6 bite/1d6 claw
Number Appearing: 2d6
The Wolfworm, or the Emperor Mole, is an adapted hound. It hunts in thick soil, shuffling along, digging rapidly, searching for prey. It tries to herd travelers into rock-free plains and devour their horses. Campsites have been found with the fire still burning and each tent neatly plucked into the earth. The Wolfworm, though blind, is as cunning as any surface wolf. Beware its infrasonic bass-thrum howl.

12 comments:

  1. One of the best comedic pieces I've read in a good long while.

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  2. I am afraid to praise you for this because of the SJW mob inevitably coming after you for it.

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    1. Really? For what reason could they possibly be offended by this?

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    2. Are they? Hi mob!
      Because... Manuel is a character from Barcelona?

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    3. Yeah, that nasty SJW mob, with all those nonexistent comments on this article. Thank god we have thick-skinned, hard-to-offend individuals like you heroically complaining about something that has not happened and very likely will not happen. You really showed them.

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    4. -_- Not impressed, Scott.

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  3. Fumble Unicorn made me ugly-laugh.

    How do I use the Undead Lake Man of Fire?

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    1. You know the Terminator?
      Like that, except undead and on fire. Marches out of the lake, kills everything, doesn't stop until it gets to its goal. Also on fire (like, properly on fire. Furnace hot. Sets nearby things on fire just by walking past them). Stats as a wight or something.

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  4. This was amazing. Funny as heck, extremely game-worthy at times. Great job!

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  5. Gonna be framed on my wall like the peasant complaint poem.

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  6. It's been a while since you posted this, but I still have to say: This is an amazing list. Every third entry is an entire adventure, and the others are perfect just to put on an encounter table to let your players know that it's a fantasy game.

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