OSR: Class: Cheese Wizard

One of my players misread "Curse-Eater Wizard" as "Cheese-Eater Wizard" and was disappointed at the lack of cheese. Here's a GLOG class.

Cheese Mites, 1930

Ryan Harby, The Cheese Wizard. There are more!

Cheese Wizard

Starting Equipment: spellbook, ink and quill, small wheel of cheese (2 inventory slots, worth 5sp).
Starting Skill: Cheesemaking.

Cheese is a vital part of commerce and a staple food in Endon. Bread and cheese support the masses. The Upper Class gift each other enormous novelty cheeses or import rare varieties from Foreign Parts.

Perk: Taste any cheese to learn the type of animal, its health, its diet, and its approximate sale price.

Drawback: You cannot regain MD if you have not eaten at least 1 piece of cheese in the previous 24 hours, and you cannot cast spells if you are not carrying at least 1 inventory slot full of cheese.

1. When you form your thumb and forefinger into a ring it acts as a magnifying glass of up to 4x magnification.
2. Create a coin-sized patch of mold by rubbing an object.
3. State a question and write two answers on two pieces of cheese. Whichever cheese goes moldy first is the correct answer. Takes 1d6 days. Base chance of being correct is 60%.


Cheese Wizard Spell List

1. Caseination
R: touch T: object weighing [sum]x2 lbs D: permanent
Touched object transforms into low-quality cheese. Metal objects and magical objects are not affected. 2lbs of cheese is enough food for 1 person for 1 day.

2. Cheese It!
R: touch T: [dice] creatures D: [sum] rounds
Target moves at 3x normal speed, but cannot move at less than full speed. Save to negate. Gaps and walls less than 10’ wide/tall are treated as flat terrain for the spell’s duration. If the target is knocked prone while this spell is active, they take 2d6 fall damage.

3. Puncture
R: 0 T: self D: [sum] minutes
[Dice] harmless, painless, cylindrical holes open in your torso. They pass all the way through your body. Each passage can contain a bottle of wine or 3 potion flasks. When the spell’s duration ends, any loose objects are expelled, any trapped objects (for example, a rope tied in a loop) are embedded in your flesh, dealing 1d12 damage immediately and probably resulting in serious health consequences. If you invest 2 or more [dice], one of the holes can be through your head, rendering you immune to mind-altering effects for the spell’s duration.

4. Rind

R: 0 T: self D: [sum] rounds
You are coated in a thick layer of wax, mold, or hardened cheese. Your appearance is disguised (and disgusting). Reduce all incoming non-fire damage by [dice]x2 for the spell’s duration.

5. Sharpen Hands
R: 0 T: self D: [sum] rounds
The edges of your hands become as sharp as knives. Unarmed attacks deal 1d6+SB+[dice] damage. Additionally, for the duration of this spell, you can accurately measure the angle between your two hands and estimate the weight of cheese cut from a wheel.

6. Cheese Spray
R: 200' T: [dice] creatures or objects D: 0
A blast of cheese emerges from your fingertips. Target suffers a different effect depending on which type of cheese strikes the target. Roll 1d10: 1. Sharp. Target takes [sum] piercing damage, Save for half. 2. Soft. Target takes -2x[dice] to Defence for [sum] rounds. Save negates. 3. Hard. Target takes [sum] bludgeoning damage and is knocked prone. Save negates. 4. Grated. Target takes [sum] slashing damage, Save for half. 5. Smoked. Target takes [sum] fire damage and is set on fire. Save negates. 6. Blue. Stunned for [sum] rounds. Save negates. 7, 8, 9. Struck twice. Roll a d6 twice. Add effects, make one Save. 10. Struck three times. Roll a d6 thrice. Add effects, make one Save.

7. Food Infusion
R: touch T: creature and [dice] rations D: 0
Target creature heals [sum] HP and consumes [dice] rations. If sufficient food is not available, the spell fails. It costs 2 HP to remove 1 negative HP and 4 HP to remove 1 Fatal Wound. This spell cannot restore lost limbs, remove injuries, or cure diseases. The creatures also gains any benefits or penalties from the consumed rations, making Saves as normal.

8. Redwyn's Excellent Clamp
R: 30' T: object D: [sum] varies
A clamp of red light appears over one or two objects you designate. The maximum width of the clamp is [dice]x10'. The clamp will push the objects together until they are held securely (effective strength of 20), but it will not damage either object or any living creatures. If you designated an orc's shirt and the back of a chair as targets, the clamp would firmly secure the orc to the chair. The clamp must be able to fit around the objects. You could not secure a chair to the floor or walls. Creatures can break free with an opposed Strength check, and, most of the time, can wriggle free in a few hours. The spell lasts for 1 [dice]: minutes, 2 [dice]: hours, 3 [dice]: days, 4 [dice] months, or permanent.

The Complete Book of Magic and Witchcraft (1970)

9. Fascinating Cheese
R: touch T: object D: [sum] minutes
You enchant a piece of cheese. It glows with soothing light. Any creature who sees the enchanted cheese must Save or be compelled to sit still and observe it for the spell's duration. Flying creatures will land or circle it. The caster is not immune to this effect. The effect is broken if line of sight is broken, if something startles a target (a loud adjacent shout), or if the target see signs of obvious danger (such as someone killing their friends).

10. Heat Ray
R: 50' T: object or creature D: 0
Target creature or object takes 1d4 non-lethal damage and becomes warm. On the subsequent round, you can choose to have the target take [sum] fire damage and catch on fire. Save negates.

Robert Hooke, Micrographia

11. Monster Mite
R: touch T: a lump of cheese D: [sum] minutes
A cheese mite (a tiny eight-legged hairy arthropod) becomes huge and aggressive.
HD: [dice]x2
Attack: [dice]+2d6
Defense: 12
Strength: 14 (SB: 1)
Damage: 1d6+1 bite.
The Monster Mite targets the nearest creature, so throwing the cheese lump as you cast  this spell is wise. There is a 1-in-10 chance that this spell will be permanent. If you invest 4 [dice], the mite also mutates.

12. The Cheese Stands Alone
R: 0 T: self D: [sum] rounds
The world stops for [sum] rounds. From your point of view, creatures and enchantments become frozen smoke-shrouded shapes and cannot affect you, or be affected by you, for the spell’s duration. You can move and interact with objects normally, but moving any object heaver than a sword requires a Strength test. You cannot cast spells. If you invest 4 or more [dice], this spell’s duration becomes [sum] minutes.

Cheese Wizard Mishaps
1. MD only return to your pool on a 1-2 for 24hrs.
2. Lose 1 permanent HP and take 1d4 damage.
3. Random mutation for 1d6 rounds, then Save. Permanent if you fail.
4. Shed 2d10L of water from your skin. Soaks all carried items.
5. Ravenously hungry. Cannot cast spells or attack until you eat 1 ration.
6. Loudly gurgle for 1d6 rounds. Audible within 100’.
Cheese Wizard Dooms
1. Age 1d6 years and develop an itchy skin fungus on your elbows.
2. Age 3d10 years and lose half your maximum HP.
3. Turn into a life-size cheese statue of yourself. All held non-magical items also become cheese. Magical items get a Save.

Mechanical Notes

Redwyn's Excellent Clamp is from the Orthodox Spell list. The Cheese Wizard's spells are mostly personal. The Cheese Stands Alone is as close to a time-stop spell as I'm likely to ever write, but it doesn't really stop time. It shunts the caster into a time wedge (a fold between this moment and the next) containing echoes of the world. This is why objects feel heavier; they have to be pushed uphill in the time wedge.

Also See: Richard G's Cheese Guns. I considered using this as a class concept, but cheese names are setting-specific and it'd feel weird to fire a Limburger in a world without Limburg. The players agreed that Wensleydale is a mortar.


  1. That class perk leads to Forbidden Knowledge more often than a layman would expect. https://theverticaljungle.blogspot.com/2014/09/buggalo.html

  2. I need this class like I need another hole in my head.

  3. I'd play a cheese wizard for that divining cantrip alone. Being able to get a true answer to any question is a delightful power.

    Does it matter what kind of cheese you write your answers on? Are certain cheeses better for certain kinds of questions? Do harder cheeses (which take longer to go moldy and reveal their answer) give a deeper answer than merely A vs. B, based on the pattern and color of the mold?

    Are there wizards for other kinds of dairy products? Cottage cheese wizards, weaker but faster than a cheese wizard? Milk wizards, whose powers sour quickly but are especially efficacious for the young? Kumiss wizards, whose dark arts are banished from proper dairy wizard society?

  4. Incidentally, one of my friends played a Cheese Wizard in a GURPS Banestorm game some years ago. Opening locks by turning them into cheese was a staple of that game.