Sir Digby Chicken Caesar's Greyish Brown Auction Of Things What I Found In Skips

In a world gone mad, in a time that could be now or could be slightly later, who will stand up for truth, discounts, and an early 2000s caricature of people experiencing homelessness? Yes, it's a surprising auction by me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!

Cue the music

This is not a nice gentrified flea market where people accept credit cards and the fire exits are clearly marked. This is not a pop-up night market run by MLM hucksters and people selling oven-bake-clay charms. This is not a not-for-profit-for-tax-purposes-only charity shop.

No, this is the sort of market where sellers eye new bills with suspicion and put them into a foil-lined envelope. Wifi functions sulkily, if at all. The building is condemned, or at least shunned. It might be advertised, but with the sort of garish advertisements people instinctually tune out, like white noise. Decent thieves wouldn't be seen dead flogging stolen goods here. There's no money in it.

And when the market closes down, on a special day (usually a Wednesday), on a night where the weather is neither clement nor inclement but still gets into your boots, the Greyish Brown Auction is held in the back room, with the hot water tank. It's not on any map. This is not a Black Auction (like Dunkey Halton's famous ones: 1, 2, 3, or this one). There are no invitations. If you're supposed to turn up, you turn up, and if not, you won't. But just in case, someone usually sets a fire on the other side of town to keep the police away.

Useful for Unknown Armies, Cyberpunk-type games, or general purpose scheming.

Schedule of Events

• Drinking of the Hard Cider
• Grab in the Bus Ticket Bag
• Opening Rant
  
• Auction
• Optional Fistfight
  

Lot 1. God
Found it in a shoebox. It's God. You know how when you look down the wrong end of binoculars and everything appears tiny and far away? Well, looking at God is the opposite of that, except it's looking in the Hubble Space Telescope the wrong way. Its you who are tiny and far away, being looked at, you see? You don't see. 

You have to pay to look in the shoebox.

Lot 2. The Brickphone
One of the Nokias. Unlimited battery, indestructible (but a bit scruffy), and it always has service, but you can only call numbers that were in service on or before Sept. 19th, 2002. A complimentary copy of the 2001 telephone directory is provided, but some of the pages have been used to start fires.

Lot 3. Bartlet's Unfamiliar Quotations Vol. 3
Includes immortal likes like Sheridan's "I am not sure." and Southey's "Could you repeat that?" and so on, for pages and pages.

Lot 4. Jar Full of Stuff
Tastes like motor oil and mustard, spreads like cottage cheese, and sticks like cheap rubber cement. The jar never seems to be empty, but whatever you coat it in will... be coated in it.

Lot 5. VHS Copy of "Paris By Night 7-III"
Probably from a dimension where people evolved from sea slugs but history turned out the same, or something like that. Ever seen cabaret done by a thing that has radial symmetry? Didn't think so. Allegedly grants fluency in French and Vietnamese for 1 hour, but people are generally occupied with with the cosmological implications and/or vomiting.

Lot 6. Plastic Bag of Things
Always seems to contain, after a bit of rummaging:

• 3 small denomination coins covered in green muck
• an elastic band
• a black zip tie of dangerous brittleness
  
• a corkscrew
• up to 24 used and crumpled tissues.
  
• a half-empty sampler bottle of vile raspberry-and-menthol liqueur
• a 9-volt battery (dead)
• an earthworm (live) 
• 2 rusty phillips-head screws
• a faded receipt
• an Allen key
  
• the proprietary charging cable for an unknown device
• a sock with a hole in it
  

If you want a specific item the rummaging takes longer and longer. If you turn the bag inside out, the universe explodes and is replaced with a different universe where you didn't turn the bag inside out. If you do it three or more time in a minute there's a very good chance the universe will turn you inside-out instead.

Lot 7. The Original Mr. Blobby

A bit worse for wear, but if this thing doesn't contain dark powers what mortals were not meant to ken, I don't know what does. Allegedly found it in Philadelphia of all places. Also allegedly as part of the CIA breeding program that produced Gritty. Cannot be shipped by any postal service that accepts money. 

Lot 8. One Kilogram of Assorted Pills
Straight out of the pharmacy disposal bins and all mixed together. Uppers, downers, sidewaysers, blood pressure fiddlers, opiates, amphetamines, and who knows what else. This year we also raided the vet clinic so it's going to be a wild ride.

Lot 9. Motel Key
Blank plastic rectangle. Works most of the time on all motel doors, but not on hotels, pools, or other doors. Tap it on any of the new credit card terminals to crash the store's system for half an hour.

Lot 10. Nipper The Trained Ferret
Smart as Lassie, but small enough to fit down your trouser leg. Likes salted peanuts and finger meat. Amenable to most people.

Lot 11. The Notebooks
Found in an apartment of someone who was clearly having proper delusions. Biblical quotations, newspaper clippings, thick pen lines, scribbling, rants, etc, etc. About thirty notebooks plus a free reusable bag. Pretty sure they're not supernatural or anything, but if you want to send the cops or other dark forces down the wrong trail they might be handy. Also includes some of the newspapers that the letters were cut out of and some of the pens.

Lot 12. Lingonberry Wine
The last batch fermented in the back rooms of Ikea before they were caught. You can make your own but it's just not the same.

Lot 13. Indestructible Ratchet Strap
Light blue, 30' long. Cranking lever slips a bit and is designed to pinch thumbs. Can apply an unlimited amount of force with enough cranking. Do not tie a knot in the ratchet strap.

Lot 14. Thirty Year Eggs
Packet of 12 good free-range eggs, soaked in that rotten immortal shark stuff that comes in a tin, fox droppings, dry cleaning solvents from the '70s, and mercury. Sealed in a jar, in a tupperware cake box siliconed shut, in a bag, in another bag. Smell can stun a pigeon at 30 yards. If you eat one I bet you'll smell like that forever.

Lot 15. Wood Welder
Show those clever fuckers down at the shop. Dowel goes in one end, seamless wood comes out the other. Try to match the type and lay down an even grain. Tends to catch on fire if you use balsa. Instruction manual is handwritten, in Wingdings, and damp.

Lot 16. Original Banksy
Trapped him in this crate. We've been feeding him cat food and malt liquor.