Horrible Baron NPC Generator

Other useful articles:
Horrible Peasant NPC Generator 1d100 Peasant Grievances 1d50 Reasons the Peasants are Revolting If you want a more refined sort of person, from a different age, try the Dickensian NPC Generator

The PCs need to pay taxes to someone, and most of the time, that's a baron. Local warlords given legitimacy and power, barons form the lower part of the upper Third Estate. They are supported by scores of local knights, landowners, and other members of the Third Estate, while facing constant pressure from their Count, Duke, or the Monarch directly. Barons have last names based on their barony's name. They are rarely referred to by their first names. This table is designed for a society of male landowners and their male heirs. Adjust as needed for your setting. 

Veteran Soldier, Dimlife

Roll as many times as you need to on each table, ignoring or adapting incompatible results.

	First Name	Appearance	Dress, Style, and Other Information
1	Charles	blubber lips	keeps a whispering advisor close at hand
2	Charles	deep, booming voice	new, fur-lined robes
3	Charles	languid, calm speech	magnificent scarlet robes
4	Charles	rolling gait	thin, worn robes
5	Charles	pig-like nose	fashionable boots
6	Louis	extraordinarily huge scar	always has a trio of priests in the background
7	Louis	tufts of irregular hair	breeds peerless horses
8	Louis	slab-faced	drinks and eats constantly
9	Louis	extraordinarily crooked nose	fingers coated in rings
10	Louis	one dense eyebrow	long, winding, gold and silver chains
11	Robert	half-asleep	incomparable court musicians
12	Robert	ragged, patchy facial hair	wise court physician
13	Robert	extraordinary compressed	terrifying court wizard
14	Robert	lazy to a fault	accurate court astrologer
15	Robert	vein-coated neck	rumours of spies and spymasters
16	John	wild, tangled hair	hunting hawks beyond compare
17	John	terrifying laugh	unusual hunting hounds
18	John	prominent, angular chin	well-trained hunting hounds
19	John	oddly effeminate	unusual creature or monster as a pet/captive
20	John	hideous grin and winking eyes	hilarious, wise, truth-to-power-speaking jester
21	Claude	surprisingly young	so-bad-it's-almost-funny jester
22	William	permanent grimmace	beautiful tapestries
23	Alexis	astonishingly old	worn, threadbare tapestries
24	Jean	irregular, yellow teeth	silks from Foreign Parts
25	Rene	little goggling eyes	trinkets from Foreign Parts
26	Joseph	crooked back	minor magical item
27	Michael	flat, pancake face	magic sword or shield
28	Raymond	waddling gait	an extensive library of 2d6 books
29	Roland	prominent mole or boil	dozens of well-trained servants
30	Constant	widely set eyes	very few, surly servants
31	Gilles	missing fingers	suspicious, whispering servants
32	George	unusually large head	servants clearly chosen for their looks, not competence
33	Ingleram	sagging lips	silver bowls, cups, and trays
34	Owain	flicking tongue, cracked lips	life-like wood carvings
35	Phillip	squat, short body	immaculate hair, skin, and clothes
36	Geoffrey	hissing, raspy voice	stained, scarred, and well-used clothes
37	Henry	stump-fingered	half-collapsed manor
38	Gadifer	no chin at all	large, well-stocked manor
39	Olivier	sweats profusely	fortified manor
40	Pierre	potato-shaped nose	sprawling, decrepit manor
41	Yvain	smiling, open face	manor built on the ruins of an ancient settlement
42	Huguet	almost bald	spindly lookout tower on a nearby hill
43	Francis	vein-coated neck	garlands of honour won at tournaments
44	Peter	small, tightly pursed mouth	disproportionately large kitchens
45	Luc	loose skin	religious icons in private chapel
46	Gilbert	long, greasy beard	a truly ancient family crest or shield
47	Arthur	stiff as a board	famous local hero buried in crypt
48	Jules	thin like a reed	indoor plumbing (cold water only)
49	Andre	carbuncle	many glass windows
50	Jerome	furious eyes	extensive orchard or personal garden

Plantagenet Family Portrait, Hark, a Vagrant.

Roll a few d50 times, or roll 1d20, 20+1d20 and 40+1d10

	Family
1	wife, young and beautiful
2	wife, young, beautiful, and deeply bored
3	wife, haggard and disreputable
4	wife, plain, extremely wise
5	wife, plain, heart of iron, really the one in charge
6	wife, lingering illness, rarely seen
7	wife, secretly a spellcaster
8	wife, very literate, of better stock than her husband
9	wife, cunning and treacherous
10	wife, devout, stoic, and well-educated
11	no wife (widowed, heartbroken)
12	no wife (widowed, too busy or old to bother)
13	no wife (widowed, vengeful)
14	no wife (desires a match to raise his status)
15	no wife (previous marriage annulled)
16	heir, infant, fragile. 1d4 years old.
17	heir, sickly. 1d10 years old.
18	heir, comically stocky. 1d10 years old.
19	heir, sly. 1d10+5 years old.
20	heir, lazy and languid. 1d10+5 years old.
21	heir, idiotic but loved. 1d10+10 years old.
22	heir, uncertain and doubtful. 1d10+10 years old.
23	heir, depraved. 1d10+15 years old.
24	heir, stoic and sensible. 1d10+15 years old.
25	heir, rebellious and covetous. 1d10+15 years old.
26	no heir (recently died)
27	no heir (exiled)
28	no heir (disowned)
29	no heir (died bravely in battle)
30	no heir (died of a terrible illness)
31	heir, infant, 1d4 years old, plus 1d4 other infant children.
32	heir, infant, 1d4 years old, plus 1d4 older female children.
33	heir, infant, 1d4 years old, plus 1d4 older male illegitimate children.
34	heir, infant, 1d4 years old, 2d10 scattered illegitimate children.
35	heir, infant, 1d4 years old, plus 1 much older male illegitimate child.
36	1 female child, studious, 1d10+5 years old.
37	1 female child, spoiled, 1d10+5 years old.
38	1 female child, bored, 1d10+5 years old.
39	1 female child, cruel and malicious, 1d10+10 years old.
40	1 female child, needs to marry, 1d10+15 years old.
41	1d4+1 female children, feuding.
42	1d4+1 female children, painfully religious.
43	1 illegitimate child, raised in the household.
44	1 illegitimate child, nearby but not loved, striking resemblance.
45	1 illegitimate child, scheming furiously, will recruit PCs.
46	1d10 illegitimate children (by reputable mistress)
47	1d10 illegitimate children (by disreputable mistress)
48	2d10 illegitimate children (by anyone, really)
49	2d10+2 squabbling children of all ages and legitimacies. Madness.
50	3d10+2 squabbling children of all ages and legitimacies. Utter disaster.

Battle of Bouvines, Horace Verne

EDIT: Also, this table is very good.

Monster Menu-All Part 1: AD&D Monster Manual: PDF Version

Even more exciting news! David Shugars (nthdecree.blogspot.com) has helpfully turned my Monster Menu-All of the classic AD&D Monster Manual into a beautiful PDFs. Art was kindly provided by an anonymous contributor.

For those of you just tuning in, "Monster Menu-All"s are posts I'm writing that take all the creatures in a book, divide them by flavour and effect, and give random tables and neat little rules for some of them.

Anyway, here's the free PDF, with classic colours and fonts.

MMA1: AD&D Monster Manual Edition (PDF)

OSR: The Secret of Steam Hill, Session 3 & 4

Last session, everyone died.

The next fall, Baron Leroux summoned his knight Tschan, an old soldier and a weasel-ling, to court. Tschana was extremely poor, but he did hold a grant of a farm, and he had two tenant farmers working the land for him. He nominated one of them, Cazael, as his squire, as he could find no one better, and Cazael had served in the War with him. Cazael was a spider-ling fighter.

Side note: in this setting, spider-lings are the racial "tolerated outcast" group. They fill the same role, worldbuilding-wise, as Jews in medieval France. They worship the Authority, but outside of the Church. They lend money and charge interest, making them vital to commerce and widely despised. They also weave and sell silk, making them rich, and they prefer webbed, close-knit communities for protection. It is rumoured that they eat babies. Plus, they're drider-like things with black furr and glass eyes. Ick. In most cities, they travel only at noon. A spiderling travelling at night will be hunted by the mob.

Cazael, who is not rich, can't spin silk, doesn't lend money, and is too ignorant to worry about religious doctrine, really gets the short end of the stick. All the prejudice, none of the benefits. Rural spiderlings have it tough.

Baron Leroux also sent his spymaster, "Jack the Elf", real name unknown, to assist the party, and Jack brought along his confidante and sometime burglar, Slugsworth. As a hermaphrodite-of-the-night, Slugsworth was accustomed to strange dealing in the dead of the night. Slugsworth's 135 slug-children (ranging from thumb-sized to cat-sized) would remain and "work" on Tschana's farm.

The final member of the party was the Baron's weather-wizard, Tabanus, who was sent along to deal with any "wizard business" and to keep the spymaster in line. The Baron was confident in his weather-wizard's abilities, even though Tabanus constantly protested that they could not control the weather, fire lighting bolts from their fingers, or do anything else the Baron demanded.

The Baron informed the mismatched and surly group that they were being sent on a dangerous mission. A former knight of the Order of the Speckled Hen, a certain "Gilesworth", had betrayed his oath and become a "bandit, raider, thief, plunderer, and for all I know a heathen despot," in the mountains. The party would travel from Leroux to Eldestone, pass by the great city, spend the night in the village of Bogrest, then travel to the monastery of St. Simon. From there, they would take the only road west and upwards to Lost Pass, then travel north through uncharted territory in the treacherous mountains. All told, a journey of 60 miles. The Baron refused to buy them horses.

The journey to Bogrest was uneventful. While in town, the party managed to collapse the ramshackle gambling parlour of Tito the Toadling, but otherwise caused no trouble. On the road, Jack was cursed by an astonishingly ugly beggar (who then flew away on a broomstick) to know ill luck for not giving her coins. Later, the party found a mysterious blessed fountain that seemed to indicated, via a crown of salt on the elf, that the only way to lift the curse was so sacrifice a bull on top of a mountain. The party was heading for the mountains anyway; this didn't seem to onerous. Cazael maintained that "pig grease behind the ears, twice a day" was a traditional family remedy for curses. Jack was not convinced.

Side note: the curse gives Jack the Elf -2 to his Save each day, to a minimum of 1 (so there is always a chance to succeed). Also, both the curse-giving witch and the curse-revealing fountain were randomly generated roadside events.

The party approached the Monastery of St. Simon late in the day, with the sun already half set. The stone halls of the monastery sat atop a smooth, nearly perfectly round hill, with a small village at its base. Taking the quickest and most direct route, the PCs made directly for the monastery and - they hoped - a safe place to rest for the night.

Abandoned Lake, Artem Demura

The courtyard of the monastery was deserted and ransacked. Doors had been tossed from their hinges, outbuildings shattered, and monks slaughtered and left in bloody heaps. Tschana examined their wounds and, startled, retreated in fear. The monks had been crushed by some sort of snipping instrument, as if a giant pair of shears had snipped off limbs or cracked ribs. The party made various protective signs against evil and entered the monastery itself. Above them, from the belltower, they could hear the faint thump and clang of the bell blowing in the wind.

It seemed as if the monks had been attacked in the middle of their evening meal, not more than a few hours before the party arrived. They found no survivors, but Slugsworth pocketed a few silver candlesticks and icons. After searching the ransacked cells and kitchens, the party finally decided to approach the ominous belltower. While climbing the rickety stairs, they were ambushed from above by three hideous ant-creatures!

Side note: Ant-lings are well know in the setting as industrious, sensible, organized, and really weird people. They happily pay taxes, go to war, and show up at church, so nobody bothers them, but their community-fortress-hills are not welcoming places for outsiders.

The ant-lings seemed to be feral or insane. They did not speak, but attacked with their sharp jaws and scrabbling legs. White tufts of fungus emerged from their eye sockets. The party, trapped on a narrow staircase, began to fight. Tschana and his loyal squire Cazael swung their swords wildly but bravely. Jack blasted one ant with a magic missile and finished it off with a dagger. Tabanus securely attached itself to the rickety stairs with a rope and then tried to climb down. Tragically, Tabanus slipped and fell, jerking painfully to a stop 1' above the floor. The fall was just enough to tug the already rickety stairs from the wall. The party slid, screamed, clawed for height, and tried to evade their doom.

By some miracle, they emerged from the rubble mostly unharmed, and finished off the now-trapped fungus-addled ants. Tabanus had been mashed but not killed, and was propped in a corner to nurse a severe head wound while the party explored. Finding no other threats except for a mysterious trap door in the floor, they beat a hasty retreat to the courtyard and set up a fortified camp, walling themselves in with tables and bits of stone.

After a sleepless night, interrupted by the distant buzz of insect wings, the party prepared to investigate the trap door. They reasoned that any surviving monks might be in the catacombs... along with any valuable treasures. While Tschana would never stoop to looting a holy place, the rest of the party had no qualms about redistributing wealth as the occasion arose.

The party opened the trap door and were startled to find a wizard inside. They rapidly interrogated the confused and extremely worried hawkling. According to the wizard's testimony, she had arrived at the monastery during the evening meal and just before the ambush. The monks had hidden her in the trap door where, to her shame, she'd fallen asleep. One of the main perks of being a Garden Wizard, Swainson explained, was the ability to sleep anywhere.

Baron Ellimure, protector of this region, had sent her to solve a "wizard problem" the monks were having. He hadn't shown her the letter and the monks had died to a horrible ant-creature ambush before explaining their troubles. Swainson hadn't even explored the catacombs. But now that the party had arrived, with their torches and swords and clear expertise at this sort of thing, she felt confident that three wizards together - plus assistants - could solve any sort of "wizard problem." The rest of the party wasn't sure, but agreed to explore the catacombs.

It was, as expected, a disaster.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Players, stop reading here.

This mini-dungeon was based on Michael Prescott's two-page dungeon "The Full Dark Stone", but with a few adaptations and twists. I thought I'd narrate it Jason Thompson style.

Map by Michael Prescott. Edited slightly by me.

1. After looting a few reliquaries, the party finds a collapsed wall in the catacombs. The enter to find a broken magic circle and some strange carvings of humans offering gems to a robed snake-man. Cazael touches a fake gem, sets off an ancient snake-man burglar alarm. No damage but everyone is spooked.

2. Party follows a carved path to a workshop. Meets the last surviving monk, Brother Talbot. Talbot is happy the party has arrived, warns them not to touch the Dark Stone or to panic when they see the "strange inhabitants" of the dungeon - automated skeleton constructs. Party meets one, does not panic. Talbot has an active forge. Purpose is uncertain. Seems suspicious.

3. Investigating the flooded path to the left, the party finds only silt, decay, and deep water.

4. Party is ambushed by two storm-seals (fat grey floating beasts, cross between a seal and a pufferfish, that belch miniature lighting elementals). Fight does not go well. Cazael hits both Slugsworth and Tabanus with sword. Party retreats down the stairs (not up, map was redrawn).

5. Tschana runs down stairs first, nearly runs into the Dark Stone but stops half an inch away. Jack follows, hits Tschana in the back. Knight's consciousness transfers to an automated skeleton construct. Content with new life and form, Tschana begins mining happily.

6. Dragging unconscious body of the knight, the party explores the stone area, then climbs stairs to mine. Dark Stone is determined to be very magical, possibly quite dangerous. Definitely a problem for wizards.

7. Party sees skeleton construct digging. Construct mistakes shiny fork in Tabanus' hand for a gem. Party gathers around to watch the struggle, is less amused when the flyling wizard takes a pickaxe to the forehead (survives, barely). Construct smashed, head (full of gems) saved for later. Party retreats back down stairs.

8. Party decides to try an experiment. Pushes body of Tschana into the Dark Stone. First attempt, nothing, except the unconscious knight gains consistency of jelly, retains form. Second attempt works. Tschana is confused by new texture but accepts it.

While party celebrates, Tabanus decides to poke the stone with a fork. Is instantly mutated horribly. Gains an extra leg, all fingers turn to forks, and starts glowing red. Then orange. Then yellow. Other wizards realize what is happening, scream, run. Rest of party follows, leaving Tabanus behind.

Side note: Tabanus' player had the worst luck. Rolled 3x on the Mutation table: "new limb (leg)", "any item held duplicates, replacing fingers", and "glows a colour." Player selected "octarine" as the colour they begin to glow. Octarine is the colour of magic, and corrupts and twists whatever it touches. It's a very bad colour.

9. Party flees up stairs. While fleeing Cazael is hit by a random bolt of magic from the Dark Stone. Survives, but turns invisible. Is carrying the party's only light source. Confusion results.

Tabanus, worried, pokes the Stone again. Is teleported to the forge room at the top of the stairs (the room the party is fleeing towards). Scares the hell out of Brother Talbot. Is now glowing purple.

Swainson is the first into the room. Sees Tabanus, screams again, runs back down stairs pushing Jack with her, just as Tabanus turns octarine.

Effects:
I. Jack the Elf is not affected by the brief glimpse of the light
II. Brother Talbot catches on fire
III. The forge fire begins to glow blue and whistles hymns
IV. Swainson mutates. Her feathers are now iridescent and shiny (+1 Charisma)
V. Tabanus evaporates from reality in an explosion of magic
VI. An Angel of Death appears and begins pursuing the party

Side note: Everything octarine light touches must Save each round or be affected by a random mutation or a random spell. A random spell is also cast in the area each round the light source persists. So in one round: Jack saved, Brother Talbot got hit by burning hands, Swainson mutated, Tabanus... I didn't really bother rolling, to be honest, and a random Summon spell went off, calling down an Angel.

10. Party flees into the dark. Cazael becomes partially visible (from the waist up). Spotting the Angel of Death, he decides to fall on his face and pray, reasoning that the devout will be spared. Tschana does the same. Slugsworth flees into the dark and is not seen again by the party. Swainson and Jack keep running, navigating correctly by memory.

11. Cazael is spared or overlooked by the Angel, but Tschana, afraid of the Angel's raised scythe, dives through its legs and enters the Waiting Room of Death, a floating island full of hideous shriveled creatures. This is where things that need to wait until the End of Days to be judged are stored. Tschana resigns himself to his fate.

Side note: praying didn't actually work, according to the rolls, but the Angel went after the knight for (presumably) mysterious religious reasons. Diving through the Angel of Death's robed legs was a very weird plan.

After a few minutes, Cazael opens one eye, begins searching for his master Tschana. Finding nothing, retreats to surface.

Epilogue: Jack and Swainson ran all the way to the village without stopping or looking back. They sought shelter in the local manor-knight's stone walled house, telling half-truths about their terrible experience. Cazael arrives an hour later, is mistaken for a beggar, and then for a ghost. His lower half is still invisible.

Slugsworth is still in the dungeon somewhere.