| 1d500 | Backstory Inflicted |
| 1 |
You spy on people through keyholes and get exactly what you
deserve. |
| 2 |
You have been rejected on your wedding night. |
| 3 |
You get made fun of sometimes. It’s hurtful, and you’d do
almost anything to teach your tormentors a lesson. Almost. |
| 4 |
You have committed several murders, yet somehow you are also
the sanest and most sympathetic person you know. |
| 5 |
You have earned the personal ire of a Witch-king. This ends
poorly for you, and everyone in your country. |
| 6 |
Your love has been soiled, and the object symbolizing it
tainted, quite tainted! |
| 7 |
Everyone is relieved to learn that your boyfriend is not
secretly your brother. He’s not even your cousin. Whew. |
| 8 |
You are a woman who has been described as any of the
following: spirited, willful, indifferent, aloof, or outdoorsy. |
| 9 |
You are an unusually supportive roommate with a knack for
springing surprise kisses at the worst possible moment. |
| 10 |
You flippantly rejected the romantic proposal of a nice man
who had done a lot for you. |
| 11 |
You are beginning to suspect—oh, but it is impossible to
believe!—that your twin is not dead at all! |
| 12 |
Your name alliterates with your father’s, your brothers’, and
all your immediate male relatives’. |
| 13 |
You find that you are never too busy to tell complete
strangers about your all-consuming plans for revenge. |
| 14 |
You have left many men crying. |
| 15 |
Your best friend is decades older than you and mildly
forlorn. |
| 16 |
Right now you’re busy getting dressed for a party to which you
were pointedly not invited. |
| 17 |
You are the last survivor of your people. |
| 18 |
Your pure and radiant beauty is the worst thing that has ever
happened to you. |
| 19 |
Everyone in the neighborhood, including your mother, has
ranked you and your sisters in order of hotness. |
| 20 |
Your only friend is a prostitute with a terrible wracking
cough, and you have never had anything to eat even once. |
| 21 |
A woman who is not your mother treats you like her own
daughter. Your actual mother is dead or ridiculous. |
| 22 |
Occasionally you and your romantic interest go dance in a
field with some villagers. |
| 23 |
Your closest companion is a pet lamb named Miranda that you
bring with you to church and to bed. |
| 24 |
You are in love with an earnest, loyal young man who adores
you, so you’ve decided to marry a dissolute cad. |
| 25 |
You can tell magical creatures apart by their distinctive
speech patterns. |
| 26 |
You can assign fearsome properties to even the most mundane
objects. |
| 27 |
You are frequently and hilariously confused by homophones. |
| 28 |
The most prominent pieces of furniture in your home are a
fainting couch and a large vase of half dead ferns. |
| 29 |
An adventure has gone poorly and you and your siblings are
once again stuck underground. |
| 30 |
The leading cause of death in your country is dragons. The
second leading cause of death is ennui. |
| 31 |
You hate everyone, except for one woman you are incredibly
attracted to. She hates you. |
| 32 |
You and your siblings have again endangered the family baby. |
| 33 |
You befriend a band of charming and loyal pirates. |
| 34 |
Every time you see an unfamiliar place—particularly a dark,
dank one—you feel the need to explore it. |
| 35 |
You’re just drunk enough to tell the truth, and she’s just
drunk enough to like it. |
| 36 |
You have a secret, potentially scandalous alter-ego, such as
authoress of smutty literature or highwayman. |
| 37 |
It does not surprise you when animals can talk. It surprises
you when they have something sensible to say. |
| 38 |
The sight of gigantic bugs stealing children barely turns your
head these days. |
| 39 |
You once tried to have sex with a panther. |
| 40 |
You are a wizard and practice magic. Even tourists who do not
speak your language know how this will end: badly for you. |
| 41 |
Your ancestors are all somewhat more alive than usual. |
| 42 |
You once did a kind thing. Someone knows, but will never
reveal it. |
| 43 |
You love the girl too much to marry her. Ironical, no? |
| 44 |
You and your husband are having separate affairs and it’s very
pragmatic. |
| 45 |
There are three men in your life: one true love, one tempting
but rakish acquaintance, and a third distant possibility. |
| 46 |
You are offered a place at university but you don’t show up
because you are too ashamed of your boots. |
| 47 |
At least half of the people you know are mad. If you are not
yet mad yourself, you are probably well on your way. |
| 48 |
You are wan. So very wan. |
| 49 |
Your past always comes back to haunt you. Also, maybe, a
ghost. |
| 50 |
There’s a man in the bed next to you, but at least he’s dead,
so you don’t have to worry about making small talk. |
| 51 |
There are but two forms of criminal justice in your town:
capital punishment, or a public scolding from the Duke. |
| 52 |
A foreign king takes you into his service, but does not take
you seriously. |
| 53 |
You are a younger brother who stands to inherit nothing. |
| 54 |
You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the
adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient. |
| 55 |
You and your twenty or so best friends all want to marry the
same man. This causes you no problems whatsoever. |
| 56 |
A girl you have only just met tells you a secret, and you
despise her for it. |
| 57 |
You are a man. Complicated historical forces have forced you
into a marginalized life, possibly one of inadvertent crime. |
| 58 |
You have developed a tortured, nihilistic philosophy all your
own over the course of your years at sea. It is terrible. |
| 59 |
A man proposes to you, then to another, lesser woman when you
politely spurn him. This delights you to no end. |
| 60 |
Three and a half hours seems like a totally reasonable time to
tell a story. |
| 61 |
All you can think about is how goddamn insufferable your
presence must be for other people. |
| 62 |
You can transmute love,
ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. |
| 63 |
You greatly enjoyed spending time in the city with your aunt,
who was of dubious morality. |
| 64 |
You feel the need to prove something. |
| 65 |
Your parents are alive, and are preventing you from getting
married. You are heartbroken. |
| 66 |
The man you might be divorced from comes back, and you go to
bed with him. It’s hot until it’s not, so you kick him out. |
| 67 |
You are a woman, and no good to anybody. |
| 68 |
Your mysterious boyfriend proves to you that you can trust him
by taking on your appearance. |
| 69 |
Life is but a series of increasingly dramatic decisions made
in the rain. |
| 70 |
Your hair is parted in the middle and braided in a childish
style that belies your wickedness. |
| 71 |
All of your happiest childhood memories include your mother
convulsively crying. |
| 72 |
You are beginning to suspect that your twin is posing as you
about town and exchanging love-tokens with your betrothed. |
| 73 |
You went to a place once. Decades later, you return under very
different circumstances. |
| 74 |
You have no real friends, only rivals masquerading as friends
who want to steal your lover. |
| 75 |
You have always hated her laugh, high and reedy and boisterous
and throbbing with panic. |
| 76 |
Your parents were really hoping for a son instead of a
daughter, which is why they named you Brucey. |
| 77 |
You are in love with a beautiful woman with white hands. She
cries all the time. |
| 78 |
You are a man. If you’re a woman, you are the love interest of
the man, and you are dead. |
| 79 |
You are somehow renowned for your prowess in battle. |
| 80 |
You may live in a ridiculous world full of lies, but you hold
fast to the important lies of fairness, mercy, and human dignity. |
| 81 |
You are geographically separated from your spouse, so you may
as well sit in a hole until you can be together again. |
| 82 |
Ever since you returned from the North, you take enormous
pride in being both unmarried and ugly. |
| 83 |
You never tell anyone anything. |
| 84 |
You have tried to kill yourself, and you have been stymied in
the attempt. |
| 85 |
You’re wearing an expensive coat that your wife paid for. You
hate her for it. |
| 86 |
You are so over your new husband. |
| 87 |
You are the disappointing son of a cold-hearted woman with
thick arms. |
| 88 |
Your father and mother have died at least once in the last
year. |
| 89 |
All the animals you know are underfed, black, and vaguely
eldritch. They all hate you. |
| 90 |
You have in your possession an envelope of negatives that, if
made public, could ruin the rising career of a young starlet. |
| 91 |
You have never danced, not even once, not even in your dreams. |
| 92 |
You lost a hand while escaping from the realm of the Enemy. |
| 93 |
You have been gut-punched within the last 24 hours. You still
feel it in your teeth. |
| 94 |
There was a traumatic event in your childhood involving beach
caves. |
| 95 |
You successfully defend yourself against accusations of having
slept with your lord’s wife. |
| 96 |
You receive word that an old friend is coming to visit. You
suspect it’s out of spite, and sneeze voluptuously. |
| 97 |
For the first time in your life, you’re not rich and it feels
utterly exotic. |
| 98 |
There are 14 women in your life you call “auntie” and you’re
not sure if any of them is actually your Aunt. |
| 99 |
You speak slightly more kindly to people below your station
than is strictly necessary. |
| 100 |
You’ve just been hit in the face. You wake up alone, in the
dark. It was a lousy party anyhow; you were ready to leave. |
| 101 |
You have sinned, and sinned greatly in the eyes of the world,
out of a most desperate love. |
| 102 |
No one understands your suffering. It is unclear whether you
are in need of a lord or the Lord. |
| 103 |
You have an incredible amount of homoerotic tension with a
beautiful knight. |
| 104 |
You join the priesthood to get over your ex, and end up having
sex with her in a church. |
| 105 |
You buy the rumour that your best friend is able to prevent
pregnancy through sheer force of will. |
| 106 |
You have interrupted a game of wist to introduce the players
to your ward. |
| 107 |
You spy on a charming and beautiful lady in her bedchamber.
She coughs. You take this as a sign of her devotion to you. |
| 108 |
You love to talk of nothing. It is the only thing you know
anything about. |
| 109 |
You have kept a secret from your daughter that explains her
entire life. She dies. |
| 110 |
You recently remodeled something. |
| 111 |
You speak in dialect when you want to connect with your
childhood friends, but every word sounds false. |
| 112 |
To you the air here always smells sweet, like honeysuckle and
impurity. |
| 113 |
You were exceedingly clever once, but unfortunately none of
your friends noticed. |
| 114 |
You have murdered a magical dog for the crime of making you
happy. |
| 115 |
After careful consideration, you have decided not to become a
Dark Lord. |
| 116 |
Despite having less sexual experience than a house fern, you
fall into throes of ecstasy at your first encounter. |
| 117 |
You are young, though you find yourself growing up very
quickly. |
| 118 |
You are forced to leave your home and journey in search of
something, you know not what. |
| 119 |
The Devil seems like a perfectly reasonable person to ask for
advice. |
| 120 |
You are about to break your marriage vows for someone you know
to be unworthy of you. |
| 121 |
You never walk. You trudge, lumber, plod, or slog, but you
never walk. |
| 122 |
Every time you see your neighbors, the encounters decrease in
friendliness and increase in dark foreboding. |
| 123 |
Your only quirk is your pierced ears, which you allowed
yourself to get after you got engaged. |
| 124 |
You know your best friend has stopped caring for you, indeed
if she ever did. |
| 125 |
A strange man comes to you and asks you to find a sheep, or a
woman calls and asks for ten minutes of your time. |
| 126 |
The most genuinely charming male of your acquaintance is
actually a woman. |
| 127 |
Your mother is younger than you, or at least appears to be so? |
| 128 |
Your life is a daily reminder that success and survival belong
to the deeply unpleasant. |
| 129 |
You have been pronounced a social success by the greatest
bitch in Paris. |
| 130 |
Your martyrdom doesn’t go as planned. |
| 131 |
You’re a woman of about thirty years of age who is still
beautiful. |
| 132 |
You’ve been sitting in this tavern for hours hoping no one
notices your clothes are covered in blood. |
| 133 |
Somebody you have never met has been nursing a grudge against
you for years. |
| 134 |
Your younger neighbor is drunk and advising you to marry for
money. |
| 135 |
A woman in an absurd hat is being an absolute bitch to you;
there is nothing you can do about it. |
| 136 |
You have lost track of your twin again. |
| 137 |
Conveniently, your ex-lover looks enough like his sister that
you can transfer your flirtations to her. |
| 138 |
Your only relief is that your father and mother never lived
long enough to see you fall so short of your early promise. |
| 139 |
You have a terrible secret. The man you love has an even more
terrible secret. |
| 140 |
A mountain is out to get you. |
| 141 |
Your fondest family memories involve the moors, and the
faintest sense of dread. |
| 142 |
You wed your husband alongside four other women and their
beloveds in a modest quintuple wedding. |
| 143 |
Your friends are fighting for liberty and likely to die. |
| 144 |
At least once each day you stop in a stairwell to clutch the
banister and cry out, “My god, how loathsome it all is!” |
| 145 |
You see little blue men. You haven’t been drinking. They are
happy to change that for you. |
| 146 |
You are having an affair with a married man. His sister knows,
and hates you. |
| 147 |
Your friend picks up the handkerchief that your lady has
dropped. You demand retribution for this act of betrayal. |
| 148 |
Everything in your life hinges on a legal trick. |
| 149 |
Your fate was determined by a nursemaid with an unaccountably
grand flair for the dramatic. |
| 150 |
Someone you have just met is dying for absolutely no reason. |
| 151 |
You are a beautiful young woman with flashing eyes about to
send your lover a terrible letter. |
| 152 |
Everyone looks at you in judgment and scorn. |
| 153 |
You allow your daughter to become educated, and this causes
great trouble for everybody. |
| 154 |
You have been careless with something priceless—your heart. |
| 155 |
You are an older woman with not just a past, but several. |
| 156 |
You once fulfilled an ancient prophecy and overturned gender
expectations at the same time. |
| 157 |
If anyone hates you, it’s only because you’re so beautiful.
And you can’t help it if you’re beautiful. |
| 158 |
You have a friend who is your complete opposite. If you are
quiet and insightful, they are bold and brash. |
| 159 |
You are polite to the point of idiocy; your brother is boorish
to the point of brutality. |
| 160 |
A grizzled old priest tunnels into your jail cell and spends
eight years teaching you the finer points of political philosophy. |
| 161 |
You have just swept someone a magnificent, yet insolent, leg. |
| 162 |
If you are an adult, you’re most likely a phony, and your
intelligence cannot compare to that of your younger peers. |
| 163 |
No matter how bad things get, you can always rely on the fact
that no one you know will ever offer to help you. |
| 164 |
There’s a woman you’d like to sleep with, so you decide to
tell her an off-putting story about murder, castration, or bestiality. |
| 165 |
Your best friend is a notorious flirt and not as pretty as
you. |
| 166 |
Your father's character flaws lead to you becoming betrothed
to a man you’ve never met. |
| 167 |
Your nephew is emasculatingly thin, and probably a murderer. |
| 168 |
It isn’t possible to love and to part, though you wish that it
was. |
| 169 |
There is a secret in your family, that if you were to find it
out, the shock would kill you. |
| 170 |
You discover that you have been flirting with your own brother
and think, eh. I could do worse. |
| 171 |
Much of your time is spent writing long, abusive letters to
people you love from places you hate. |
| 172 |
You have a pet that has, at least once, turned into a human
being. |
| 173 |
You are a woman and at the age of fifteen, the consciousness
of your beauty bursts upon you in a sudden instant. |
| 174 |
Once, you had some illusions about the world, but now they are
lost. |
| 175 |
A man once taught you how to love by beating you gently with
his calloused hands. Now he is dead. |
| 176 |
Your wardrobe is made entirely out of silk, especially your
shoes. |
| 177 |
You are over 75 and you hate every person you’ve ever met, or
else you’re 14 and you’ve just seen something horrible. |
| 178 |
You will believe literally anything written in a letter. |
| 179 |
A disrespectful maiden becomes your only friend after you kill
the man who killed her first boyfriend. |
| 180 |
You suspect your twin is lost at sea. |
| 181 |
Your sister is homely and it pleases you. |
| 182 |
If you ever take to living as you play piano, it will be very
exciting indeed. |
| 183 |
The word that best applies to you is scrappy; never, not once,
have you given up on someone or something without a fight. |
| 184 |
You like to wear a red hunting hat, but you tend to remove it
around people you know. |
| 185 |
You have two first names with an absolute maximum of four
syllables. |
| 186 |
People always make fun of your hair. |
| 187 |
Your feelings about peasants are warm, passionate, and a
little condescending. |
| 188 |
There is a 50% chance you are married because someone’s father
died. |
| 189 |
A beautiful and shallow woman that you hate is your best
friend for reasons you cannot explain. |
| 190 |
An old-timer has given you advice; you did not take it. |
| 191 |
You could be cast as a tree nymph in a play about Greek
mythology. |
| 192 |
A number of better-established people went way out of their
way to help you. You did not show appropriate gratitude. |
| 193 |
You’re always starting things that you can’t seem to finish. |
| 194 |
You have a favorite cow. |
| 195 |
You are a victim of erotolepsy and have been ensnared in a
marriage not of your choosing by a manipulative scoundrel. |
| 196 |
A shocking marriage of convenience takes place within your
social circle. |
| 197 |
You’ve often laughed out of indifference, contempt, or spite,
but not once out of joy. |
| 198 |
You have had bottles of wine opened with a sword for him more
than three times. |
| 199 |
You are amazed to discover your long-lost brother in an unruly
mob, but he does not want you to recognize him. |
| 200 |
Your deepest secret is already known by the one person you are
most invested in keeping it from. |
| 201 |
You are blind in one eye. Just to be safe, you have killed
everyone. |
| 202 |
Your patience is wearing thinner than your mustache. |
| 203 |
If only someone would die, you’d get everything you’ve ever
wanted. |
| 204 |
You’re having an affair and it’s terrible. |
| 205 |
Everyone you hate understands you perfectly. |
| 206 |
If you had to pick your greatest skill, it would probably be
lying. |
| 207 |
Most of your problems have probably been caused by prideful
boasting or Vikings. |
| 208 |
It’s not that wouldn’t murder your wife—it’s just that you
wouldn’t bludgeon her with a statue. |
| 209 |
You keep a photo on your mantel that proves your guilt in a
capital crime. |
| 210 |
You are crippled by gambling debts, but that hasn’t stopped
you from spending every penny you have buying brandy. |
| 211 |
Someone is describing a horrific injury in immense detail, and
you are delighted. |
| 212 |
You fell down the stairs, dramatically. |
| 213 |
You are either ruddy, stout, or flint-eyed. |
| 214 |
The further south you go, the more firmly the North becomes
fixed in your heart. |
| 215 |
You long to escape to the seaside. |
| 216 |
You feel you must prove your worth by stabbing something
terrifying. |
| 217 |
You remain chaste throughout a series of tribulations and are
rewarded with a husband whom you have never met. |
| 218 |
A man confuses your expression in the middle of an argument
for that of an expression of love. Later, you marry him. |
| 219 |
You are indifferent to the murder you’ve just committed. |
| 220 |
You’ve run out of wine. |
| 221 |
You could not succeed in seducing your maid if your life
depended on it. |
| 222 |
You have literally run off with a goat. |
| 223 |
You tend to dismiss odd noises, prophetic ramblings of mad
men, and the death of small animals en masse with a shrug. |
| 224 |
You’ve become so worried about The Great Schism that you’ve
developed brain fever. |
| 225 |
The adults in your life keep information about you, your
family, and your current circumstances a secret from you. |
| 226 |
You have nothing more than a passing interest in the
paranormal. And why would you? |
| 227 |
You had a best friend once. Now they are your greatest
rival. |
| 228 |
You are the beautiful only daughter of an invalid. |
| 229 |
You have big dreams, but no skills to speak of. |
| 230 |
You are an incorrigible womanize. You are squandering your
sizeable inheritance on loose women and card tables. |
| 231 |
You have a dream vision. There is absolutely no symbolism
involved. |
| 232 |
You are an unusually helpful lady-in-waiting. Your gaze
lingers for no appreciable reason. |
| 233 |
You are blackmailing a powerful but shady man. |
| 234 |
You chew at your lip to show you are full of thought or lust. |
| 235 |
Your father is absolutely terrible with money. No one has ever
told him this. |
| 236 |
You tend to ramble and have a habit of painstakingly
describing everything and everyone around you. |
| 237 |
No matter how many life-threatening situations you find
yourself thrust into, you refuse to change your behavior. |
| 238 |
A wizard has roped you into a quest because one of your
ancestors invented golf. |
| 239 |
You have forsworn your life of piracy for an unreciprocated
romantic friendship with a tender lord. |
| 240 |
You went to the beach once and now you can’t stop thinking
about the Sea. |
| 241 |
The current feud in which you are embroiled seems likely to be
resolved by prodding a blindfolded horse off a cliff. |
| 242 |
There is lace at your throat and wrists and disdain in your
eyes and heart. |
| 243 |
You love a prostitute with your whole heart but you respect
her too much to touch her, talk to her, or learn her name. |
| 244 |
You stand at the extreme verge of gentility. |
| 245 |
In this random and absurd world, your only consolations are
sex, philosophy, and puns. |
| 246 |
You have shed aliases like the layers of an onion. |
| 247 |
Shadows make you anxious, and you avoid them just in case they
are concealing someone who means you ill. |
| 248 |
Someone is crushing your spirit. You try as hard as you can
not to inconvenience them while they do it. |
| 249 |
You are a beautiful, demure widow. |
| 250 |
For the last several years, you have been pretending to be
blind and/or deaf in order to cause pain to a woman in your life. |
| 251 |
You are ridiculously talented at one very specific thing. |
| 252 |
You change your name and grow some facial hair– you are now
unrecognizable to all your old friends and acquaintances. |
| 253 |
The magistrate’s daughter is promised to another. You despair. |
| 254 |
You once did a terrible thing. Someone knows, but will not
reveal it. |
| 255 |
Your enemy has made a miniature wood-carving of you being
sodomized and nobody asks him why. |
| 256 |
You were weak once, long ago, in a land where the sun shone.
Now everyone you know is dead. |
| 257 |
You are a woman and a young man declares his interest in you
by staring at you in a public place. You find this charming. |
| 258 |
Chances are good that you were poor, abandoned, or suffered a
devastating loss in your childhood. Maybe all three. |
| 259 |
You self-identify as a henchman. |
| 260 |
All of your pets seem to hate you. |
| 261 |
Someone trusted you to post a letter that may or may not
contain high treason. |
| 262 |
If only there were some way – some hope – if only someday you
might forget! |
| 263 |
You had to learn the hard way not to follow the lights in the
marsh. |
| 264 |
You come from great wealth, but it doesn’t help the ennui. |
| 265 |
You have one friend; he is thirty years old and does business
with your father and you are going to marry him someday. |
| 266 |
You are supposed to be some sort of Asian, you think, and this
fact makes everyone just a little bit uncomfortable. |
| 267 |
You are being pursued by a bear. |
| 268 |
You created a mythology around your family that was three
parts exaggeration and one part straight up lies. |
| 269 |
Someone you know has died in a tragic and semi-ironic manner
that was so very appropriate to their personality. |
| 270 |
The people of your house are dead and you are living a
desperate existence as an outlaw. |
| 271 |
Woe betide anyone who tries to fuck with your ponies. |
| 272 |
Your married girlfriend gave you a dead bird as a token of her
neverending love for you. You carry it with you always. |
| 273 |
You are the beloved of many shepherdesses. |
| 274 |
You deliver both insults and speeches exclusively in tight
alliterative verse. |
| 275 |
God’s grace descended upon you once, in the form of an
gigantic, murderous war eagle. |
| 276 |
The ladies who had once closed their ranks to you on suspicion
of your base birth now rush to celebrate you. |
| 277 |
You are poor now. So very poor. |
| 278 |
No one at this decadent court suspects you of being what you
really are – sincere. |
| 279 |
Someone disagreeable tries to persuade you to join a game of
cards. |
| 280 |
You have escaped disaster, and things have for the most part
ended well, and yet you cannot shake a sense of dread. |
| 281 |
You’re kind of a paranoiac in reverse — you suspect people are
plotting to make you happy. |
| 282 |
You plan to treat the injuries with nothing but a rag soaked
in vinegar and water. |
| 283 |
Your mother has taken a false name and hidden herself from
you. You will never question or complain about this decision. |
| 284 |
You are indentured to a temperamental sorcerer. |
| 285 |
You have between two and four
siblings with whom you get into jolly and/or dreadful scrapes. They
all love eating buns. |
| 286 |
You have an encyclopedic knowledge of the local seabirds
because they are your only companions. |
| 287 |
You don’t know where this sidekick came from, but you suppose
you’ll keep them around. |
| 288 |
You are being chided by a magical bird. |
| 289 |
Important events in your life are always preceded by a storm,
or at least a stiff wind. |
| 290 |
You don’t have gout but could probably get it in a week if you
wanted to. |
| 291 |
You don’t get lucky a lot, although people are constantly
hugging you from behind. |
| 292 |
At least one of your front teeth is missing, and you think you
look marvelous. |
| 293 |
You have an enemy who claims to love you. You are competent at
embroidering, but not accomplished. |
| 294 |
You are a young woman who’s not shy about displaying her
intellectual gifts or her perky breasts. |
| 295 |
You have committed many wasteful murders to cover your tracks. |
| 296 |
You are a blonde who is neither icy nor languid, which makes
you unclassifiable. |
| 297 |
You say something arch yet generous about another woman both
younger and richer than you. |
| 298 |
You have a habit of painstakingly describing the outfits of
everyone around you. |
| 299 |
She’s dead now, of course. Isn’t she? Isn’t she? |
| 300 |
You have a maiden aunt who despairs of you. You have a gaggle
of sisters of marriageable age and they are all silly. |
| 301 |
You are abroad. The landscape speaks to you in a way that none
of the people do. |
| 302 |
Everyone agrees that your best friend is a wicked, but
remarkable woman. Only you know just how wicked. |
| 303 |
You are young, yet you know one thing, if you know anything:
dragons are dicks. |
| 304 |
You have hastily married someone you know to be unworthy of
you. |
| 305 |
You brought your sword and chainmail shirt to a swimming
contest. They came in handy. |
| 306 |
You are caught in a storm and contract a violent head-cold. |
| 307 |
Your father is only capable of showing his love for you
through fiery murder-suicide attempts. |
| 308 |
Nothing has ever happened to you except one thing, decades
ago. |
| 309 |
You are a skeptic, and there is literally no justification for
this. |
| 310 |
You have strong opinions about rainscald. |
| 311 |
Your survival hinges on the arrangement of poorly-maintained
paths through a remote swamp. |
| 312 |
Your boyish charm and feminine hips have attracted the
attention of a wealthy woman and/or a homosexual criminal. |
| 313 |
The love of your life has never once told you the truth,
either about his intentions or his identity. |
| 314 |
You are a lady novelist who travels by yourself. |
| 315 |
Your childhood best friend is an emotionally unstable
liar. |
| 316 |
You are enduring secondhand heartbreak, which is the best kind
of heartbreak. |
| 317 |
You have been betrayed by a base chamberlain. |
| 318 |
A wealthy and
influential harridan disapproves of you and makes sure everyone within
earshot knows it. |
| 319 |
You’re a shriveled up old maid and you are evil. |
| 320 |
Everyone in the world except for you is sexually repressed.
This is the root cause of at least half of your problems. |
| 321 |
You feel an unnameable, shameful aversion to your mother,
whose limping gait you are afraid you will come to adopt. |
| 322 |
An older woman pines for you. |
| 323 |
Someone you know has fallen ill. Not melodramatically ill,
just interestingly so. |
| 324 |
Your husband has violated the strict moral code around which
you have organized your life. |
| 325 |
You’re only seventeen, but the right side of your head is
covered in millions of little gray hairs. |
| 326 |
Everybody in town knows more about your family history than
you do. |
| 327 |
You are a successful playwright in the prime of his life.
Naturally, women love it when you mansplain to them. |
| 328 |
You would seriously never kiss anyone if not for your
clumsiness/bad luck/generally poor sense of direction. |
| 329 |
You strike a bargain with an impossibly malevolent spider
demon. This ends poorly for you. |
| 330 |
Your father is hilariously witty, but prone to frightening
rages. |
| 331 |
You think nothing of contracting inheritable life debts with
villains. |
| 332 |
Though history may deem you a nobody, you are acquainted with
everybody who’s anybody. |
| 333 |
Gentlemen are always falling prey to the irresistible way in
which you arrange your skirts. |
| 334 |
You can no longer delight in any of life’s joys, not even
whores. |
| 335 |
You are a pagan, and this is very sad. |
| 336 |
You are slightly less posh than the family you married
into. |
| 337 |
It is easy for you to sympathize at a distance. |
| 338 |
She wanted you to love her more than you loved that first
drink in the morning and so she had to go. |
| 339 |
You walk home with a man you have only known for six months
from church and catch a cold as a result of your moral laxity. |
| 340 |
You are a political man engaged in a rather complicated
relationship with your much older mentor. |
| 341 |
You will never escape your childhood. |
| 342 |
Your name is Derace, Orfamay, Moose, or Rusty, but you’ve
asked to please be called Steelgrave. |
| 343 |
Your “Pre-Pubescent Boy” disguise is having the unnerving
effect of attracting many ladies. |
| 344 |
You’ve been standing in the snow for hours now, just waiting
to say something really cutting to a bureaucrat. |
| 345 |
The only thing you really know about life is that, no matter
the meaning of the next, love is the meaning of this one. |
| 346 |
Your exhaustive knowledge of whimsical riddles has saved your
life on multiple occasions. |
| 347 |
You are not an orphan, but have just said that you are to a
man who is altogether too interested in this fact. |
| 348 |
In a dirty business, you have kept your hands clean. Almost. |
| 349 |
You’d murder your father without blinking an eye, but you’re
moved to tears by the sight of a peasant boy kicking a horse. |
| 350 |
All the ingenues at court are simply wild about you. You could
not be more indifferent. Also, your name is Hugh. |
| 351 |
Everyone you have ever loved, been related to, or looked at
flirtatiously during the summer parliament has died in a feud. |
| 352 |
You have one dream, and it is very small, and everyone around
you wants to crush it. |
| 353 |
What man will ever marry you now that you’ve cast your virtue
away on the transitory caresses of a rake? |
| 354 |
You comb your hair publicly. |
| 355 |
Your mother and father are both alive, but you keep thinking
of them in the past tense. |
| 356 |
You’re having an affair and your husband throws a dead bird at
you, bloodying your breasts, to let you know that he knows. |
| 357 |
You are either a virgin or a sad and lovely widow whose
husband was lost at sea. You are spirited, but still passing ladylike. |
| 358 |
In your youth, you had one bosom friend. You devote the better
part of your adult life to making him miserable. |
| 359 |
An improbable plot device leads to you sharing a bed with a
rogue. |
| 360 |
Your wife and your mistress have either never met, or they are
best friends. |
| 361 |
You are a human being that has, at least once, turned into a
pet. |
| 362 |
Groups of children unnerve you in a way you cannot
define. |
| 363 |
You find the sun disappointing and the moon insipid. When
you were young, the world was lit only by the stars. |
| 364 |
Your mother is ever so slightly insane. |
| 365 |
You have managed to convince your husband you were not
cheating on him by showing him a bathtub. |
| 366 |
You think you have had a revelation. In reality, you have
gotten yourself in a muddle, and later it makes you miserable. |
| 367 |
You thought you were the cat in this particular game; in fact
you have always been the mouse. |
| 368 |
You are driven by a single, indiscernible desire. |
| 369 |
You are a man. You have soft hands, and you went to college,
and you are useless. |
| 370 |
You dream of a contemplative life in a monastery. |
| 371 |
You sleep feverishly or not at all. |
| 372 |
Your headstrong offspring refuses to obey you. You despair. |
| 373 |
No fewer than five different shamans have uttered prophecies
about each member of your complicated love polygon. |
| 374 |
You are relieved when your husband announces he is leaving
you, but this relief is too inconsequential to speak of. |
| 375 |
You have made out with a handkerchief belonging to an old man. |
| 376 |
You can only fall in love at the command of a dying
deer. |
| 377 |
You’ve seen a ghost once or twice, but neither time were you
particularly impressed. |
| 378 |
An elderly woman, known for her second-sight, gives you
specific instructions to avoid being murdered. |
| 379 |
You’re having an affair and it’s wonderful. |
| 380 |
You have become exceedingly ashamed of what your conduct has
been. |
| 381 |
The only thing flashing more violently than the diamond pin on
your lavender greatcoat are your eyes! |
| 382 |
You have been left alone to face social consequences despite
your intrinsic goodness. |
| 383 |
You don’t believe her story or her money, but you believe
those legs. |
| 384 |
You attempt to befriend someone slightly above or slightly
below your social station and are soundly punished for it. |
| 385 |
You’ve met an aristocrat who is about to change everything for
you. |
| 386 |
You have no legs and your name is alliterative. |
| 387 |
There’s a woman in the room that you trust about as far as
you’d trust a snake. But like all snakes, she can be charmed. |
| 388 |
A fever has led you to believe you are married to your cousin,
who may or may not be trying to poison you. |
| 389 |
Your hat is tilted at a particular angle that suggests both
your fastidiousness and duplicity. |
| 390 |
To your deep shame and embarrassment, you — in your youth —
played the viola. |
| 391 |
A grove of trees reminds you of the woman you love. |
| 392 |
Something dreadful happened at the rest stop. |
| 393 |
Olives and wax: you never go anywhere without ’em. |
| 394 |
You are a powerful but shady man being blackmailed. |
| 395 |
If someone upsets you during a meal, you slide silently to the
floor and remain under the table. |
| 396 |
You speak in cryptic sentence fragments whenever the need
arises. |
| 397 |
You go wandering somewhere very cold, and almost freeze to
death, but are saved by the arrival of a crew of explorers. |
| 398 |
You have always wanted to meet elves, and when you finally do,
they are intolerably silly. |
| 399 |
Your greatest joy is exchanging barbs with the Steward. |
| 400 |
You are a horribly disfigured man with a vendetta against
society. |
| 401 |
You spend hours ranting about how the fairer sex cannot be
trusted, yet you have never been faithful to anyone. |
| 402 |
So you met your soul mate at age ten, who doesn’t? |
| 403 |
You never fall in love. Do you have any idea how rare this is? |
| 404 |
There is scandalous gossip about you. All of it is true. |
| 405 |
Your entire family is stunningly average, aside from one
eccentric relative who’s always up to something kooky. |
| 406 |
You paid dearly for your laceratingly funny insult to a
powerful man. |
| 407 |
A Dark Lord fancies your jewelry. |
| 408 |
You spent hours in the chicken house learning to do an exact
imitation of a hen’s expression when it lays an egg. |
| 409 |
A charming man attempts to flirt with you. This is terrible. |
| 410 |
You are very happy, but there is a fearful trembling in the
ground and in your heart. |
| 411 |
You are incredibly good at describing any room you are
currently in. You do not know how to
describe emotions. |
| 412 |
The highest compliment you can pay a woman is to not sleep
with her. |
| 413 |
Your mother was a fairy, or dead, or had a magic ring, or
French, or a lion some of the time, or something. |
| 414 |
You can’t shake your inherent distrust of inanimate objects.
You have your reasons. |
| 415 |
You have enraged a family of wizards, who like to stand on
your roof and sing all night. |
| 416 |
Shrill violins do not bother you. |
| 417 |
You have angered a tree. This ends poorly for you. |
| 418 |
Your gaze is like the driving rain: hard and unyielding,
chilly and bitter, and probably liable to cause consumption. |
| 419 |
You have a very muted reaction to losing your limbs. |
| 420 |
Your younger sibling is a real thorn in your side, but
secretly, you value them above all else. |
| 421 |
You and your cousins once beat a man to death over a piece of
driftwood. |
| 422 |
Your greatest wish is to someday see the ocean or have a pair
of shoes you can call your very own. |
| 423 |
You never kiss the women you trust, and vice versa. |
| 424 |
You twirl your mustache disdainfully, enchanted by your own
wit. |
| 425 |
A chance meeting with a noble stranger has destabilized your
conception of the world. |
| 426 |
You make a terrible decision, fueled by the effects of
alcohol, that casts an unremitting pall over the rest of your days. |
| 427 |
You are probably not over the age of twenty-five. You may even
be under ten. |
| 428 |
One of your children is crushed to death by a humongous helmet
on the day of their wedding. |
| 429 |
You have to talk some sense into this violent, impoverished
stranger you met on a footbridge. |
| 430 |
You are being driven slowly but inexorably mad by a society
determined to crush your spirit while smiling blandly. |
| 431 |
You don’t have any bad qualities at all, unlike some people. |
| 432 |
Is it just you, or is your young ward suddenly looking irresistible? |
| 433 |
A woman of ill repute has hidden herself in the rooms of a
noted dandy. You have never heard of anything so shocking. |
| 434 |
You have never known one or both of your parents, but through
a series of mishaps, at least one of them reappears. |
| 435 |
You’re loudly criticizing a dangerous man, and he respects you
for it. |
| 436 |
You have perfectly floppy hair. |
| 437 |
Your celestial imperiousness, love, wrath, and fervor had are
thrown away on your milksop of a husband. |
| 438 |
You regularly attend dinner parties where each guest tells one
carefully crafted and eerily perfect short story. |
| 439 |
It is as old as the hills! Old, older, oldest! It is as old as
the hills, and it has turned its eyes upon you! |
| 440 |
You realize that you have mistakenly agreed to marry a man who
reminds you of a windowless drawing room. |
| 441 |
You are in love with your cousin. |
| 442 |
You dislike washing yourself, and dogs, and noise. |
| 443 |
Yours is a still and terrible fury that cannot possibly be
tamed. |
| 444 |
You never bleed; the only time you did, the blood that fell
from your wound arranged into the shape of your wife’s face. |
| 445 |
A close relative was horribly disfigured in a hunting
accident. Everyone agrees she had it coming. |
| 446 |
You are being horrible to a blood relative. They drop dead. |
| 447 |
You discover you have a half-brother. You resent him for being
stronger and healthier. |
| 448 |
Your husband was completely unsatisfactory. |
| 449 |
You have been recently aghast. |
| 450 |
You are a mother and, in a moment of despair, exclaim that you
would die for your child. Society takes you up on the offer. |
| 451 |
The bees are buzzing in the garden, and something small and
magical is rather indignant with you. |
| 452 |
A member of the aristocracy once condescended to give you some
advice. |
| 453 |
You are plotting a “bed trick” with your waiting gentlewoman. |
| 454 |
You drink to forget. You’re so successful at it, you no longer
remember what it is you wanted to forget in the first place. |
| 455 |
You have started a bloody multi-generational feud by stealing
cheese. |
| 456 |
You have a mystical connection with nature that makes your
horrible, undeserved death all the more tragic. |
| 457 |
Everything has been resolved in the bleakest way possible.
Your only hope is that you will take this secret to the grave. |
| 458 |
You loved the house more than you ever loved him. You know
that now, at the last. |
| 459 |
Literally ten hundred men are in love with you, so fresh and
unused to the cynical methods of court. |
| 460 |
As a child, you found yourself in a near constant state of
existential threat, often caused by your parents’ party guests. |
| 461 |
You are adept at recognizing handwriting. |
| 462 |
You have a love/hate relationship with a grotesquely malformed
creature that you are repulsed by, but also pity. |
| 463 |
You are arranged to be married to someone sickly. |
| 464 |
An army captain has insulted you and so you will drink
yourself to death to have revenge on him. |
| 465 |
You are a brilliant and high-spirited woman, and therefore you
are doomed to a tragically early death. |
| 466 |
You have just been walking in the rain, and everyone who
raised you is dead, and you are glad. |
| 467 |
You begin all adventures by donning your “going-out things.” |
| 468 |
Someone puts your most embarrassing secret into their novel as
a fictional event. You are angry, but can never tell why. |
| 469 |
You enjoy composing cruel poems to make your sisters cry. |
| 470 |
A sweet, poor girl is desperately in love with you, and you
neither appreciate nor deserve her. |
| 471 |
You could be cast as a background character in an Agatha
Christie adaptation. |
| 472 |
You draw horrifying shipwrecks and lightning-ruined oak trees
in your spare time. |
| 473 |
Your friends are a terrible influence. |
| 474 |
Orcs are chasing you, but this does not bother you nearly as
much as the inadequate breakfast you had earlier today. |
| 475 |
Incriminating letters never seem to be right where you left
them. |
| 476 |
It is easier for you to be attracted to people when their
class is indistinguishable. |
| 477 |
A murder happens somewhere in your social circle. You carry
on, more or less as you always have. |
| 478 |
You watch helplessly as your little sister falls into the arms
of a wicked man. |
| 479 |
Your personal style can best be described as “librarian up to
no good.” |
| 480 |
You give off an air of mysteriousness that men find enviable
and women find irresistible. |
| 481 |
Literally the only “hiding place” that ever occurs to you is
under the master’s bed. |
| 482 |
What appears to be politeness and common decency is fueled by
lust. |
| 483 |
A simple misunderstanding in the afternoon leads to three
untimely deaths in the evening. |
| 484 |
A dragon has ruined your life. |
| 485 |
Seriously you are obsessed with buns, they play a very big
role in your life. |
| 486 |
You've discovered an old document. Most likely a journal, but
possibly a map or letters written by a dead family member. |
| 487 |
You’re sad all the time, for no reason (the reason is later
revealed to be Secret Gayness). |
| 488 |
All the women you know have died in childbirth. All the
children you know are orphans. You are an orphan. |
| 489 |
You have trust issues, but not the kind where you don’t trust
anyone; instead, you trust everyone, and way too easily. |
| 490 |
An aging beauty of nearly thirty has pronounced you an
original. |
| 491 |
Your grandson wants to live his own life and it is ALL YOUR
FAULT. |
| 492 |
You explain metaphors at great length, yet your listeners
still do not quite grasp them. |
| 493 |
You are either brusque and indifferent or overly affectionate
to dogs. |
| 494 |
You appear extremely agitated. |
| 495 |
As the house burns down around you, your elderly father
reflects that fostering his enemy’s son was probably a mistake. |
| 496 |
You are cold, and you are going to die. You find this faintly
interesting. |
| 497 |
The love of your life is either your childhood sweetheart or a
man you met fifteen seconds ago. |
| 498 |
As an infant, you were very nearly whisked away down a gutter
while sitting in an umbrella during a rainstorm. |
| 499 |
You are a woman with graying hair and you still have a sex
drive, though you’d never call it that. |
| 500 |
Your enemy is dead in the dust at your feet. Now you are
finally free to respect him. |
